Embracing a State of "Re-ing"

 This weekend marks a significant life change for me.  I have officially moved from identifying as someone who works in Financial Services to being someone who USED to work in Financial Services.  As of Friday, I have retired from a twenty-seven-year-long career.  Even typing this out seems surreal and hard to completely wrap my head around.  The good news is that I have absolutely wrapped my heart around this decision.

It is not one that I came to quickly, lightly, or without ongoing dialogues with so many people in my life.  And to all those souls who held space for me as I hemmed and hawed over this decision, I offer my deepest gratitude.  I could not have come to the choice I made without being given the space and time to properly deliberate and question the why behind my thoughts and the how.

Retired feels like a strange word to use to describe myself, especially since I am still young enough to be in the workforce for at least another decade or more.  And I do plan on returning to work, but this time in a career that aligns with who I am and allows me to use my talents and knowledge to bring meaningful change to the world.  A lofty goal and one that I am excited to pursue.

As I was thinking about the word retire, other "re" words started to come to mind: reinvention; rebirth; renew; reimagine; regroup; re-enter.  All of which feel like appropriate descriptors of the journey I am about to embark upon.  Leaving the corporate world behind to step into the space of learning excites me, as does making up for what has often felt like a hastily made decision to not pursue university when I graduated from high school.  

Another word that could describe the space I am in is surrender.  I am surrendering to the knowledge that I have no clear idea of where this is going to take me.  Aside from focusing on my BA for the next couple of years, there is no predetermined outcome waiting for me at the end of school.  This is new territory for me - someone who has been such a diligent planner for so long and who has put off making this type of change for many years due to the lack of certainty involved.

What changed?  I guess I have.  Looking back in old journals I could not help but notice the recurring theme of being unsure of my why and wondering if there was a way to move back to a place of feeling in alignment with what I hold sacred.  Fear has been calling the shots for too many years now, and it was time to take back control and put my interests first.  It felt selfish to even consider that until I realized that by putting myself first I would be showing up in the world as a fuller expression of who I am when I am at my best.  And the trickle-down effect that would have on the others in my life would be worth swallowing the sense of entitlement I was battling.

I have also reminded myself that pushing pause is not a permanent decision - I can reverse this and go back to work if the choice to return to school is not right for me.  Being okay with making a decision that might not be the "right" one has been difficult to accept, as it goes directly against people-pleasing tendencies and a desire to not be wrong.  Learning often comes through outcomes that we do not expect and the most impactful lessons tend to be those we internalize as we brush the dirt of our knees and stand back up again.  

The sense of peace I have felt since announcing this decision at work five weeks ago helped silence the remaining questions and qualms I felt.  Logging out of my corporate laptop and phone on Friday afternoon and packing all of it away felt like the end of an era and the closing of an important chapter in my life.  Now it is time to exhale, to process, and to dream about what the next chapter will contain.