Embracing the Feminine

 Looking back over the years, I can't think of a time when I have embraced being female.  I have always identified as female and never had moments when I questioned that aspect of my identity.  Where I found myself struggling was in how my version of femininity fit in with society's expectations of being female.  My experience was one of confusion, frustration, and disappointment.

After reading Judy Blume I wholeheartedly joined the "we must, we must, we must - we must increase our bust!" club, praying for the day to come when I would need my first training bra.  But after first developing breasts I found them to be awfully annoying and problematic, and I found myself wishing that they would go back from whence they came.  Shirts never quite buttoned up correctly and when I started to engage in sports they were always in the way.  Breasts were not the answer.

Trying to catch the attention of the opposite sex was also an exercise in frustration.  I was usually relegated to be the friend of the girl who the guys were interested in.  I was popular as a homework help buddy, or friend, but was missing what it took to cross the line from friend to the coveted role of girlfriend.  I felt awkward trying to be sexy or beguiling - wearing revealing clothes felt uncomfortable and my style was not typically what you would find on the front of a fashion magazine.  Strike two.

While I didn't feel like being female gave me a superpower as far as the opposite sex was concerned, it certainly didn't make me feel like I fit in with many of the other females I encountered.  I often felt "othered" and like I existed outside of what was considered normal, trying to figure out where I belonged.  Over the years I did find other females to befriend and shared some close connections where I felt I could be myself, but more often than not felt at ease around guys.  Although I felt less pressure to be a stereotypical female around men, I tended to don a different persona entirely.  I would be the "cool chick" doing my damnest to keep up, whether it meant telling off-colour jokes,  playing up sexual innuendos, or doing my best to match them drink for drink.  

This all can become quite tiring, and slowly but surely I found myself starting to wince at the idea of playing along.  I was not consciously looking for female energy, and yet that is exactly what came calling earlier this year.

Dipping brought me into connection with myself, nature, and an incredible collective of women all at once.  I was terribly intimidated by the idea of showing up to my first group dip - I didn't know anyone and had no idea how I would be received.  In my head many high school scenarios played out - the mean girls in gym class, the cool girls in the cafeteria...all of these groups that I found myself on the outside of.  I arrived at the lake to discover that my worries were completely unfounded.  Instead of finding a group of women who were hesitant to welcome a newcomer, I found a warm and welcoming circle of feminine energy that held me and made me feel like I had come home.

As the weeks progressed, and my comfort level increased I found myself looking more and more forward to these gatherings at the water's edge - while some of the attraction was the cold dip itself I realized that a bigger part of the experience was simply being in the presence of powerful, wise, and lovely women.  

Celebrating the Summer solstice and strawberry full moon this week, I found myself nourished by feminine energy across a few group gatherings.  As I sat in the circle at each of these events I could not help but feel uplifted by the vibrancy that was present.  It hit me that part of the issue I suffered from was never understanding what positive feminine energy was comprised of.  It is not something that shines from the outside, it sparkles from within.  It is not defined by the clothes a person wears, the style or colour of their hair, or even their ability to navigate the world of sex and relationships.  Instead, it is a deep wisdom and knowing.  It is cultivated through heartache and triumph.  It is as diverse and powerful as those who possess it.  I was awed at the realization that the very thing that once felt so heavy and restrictive was now allowing me to sprout wings and fly.  For the first time, I feel empowered and proud of my femininity.  My unique and undefined femininity.  A superpower that I am grateful to own and share in the hopes of lifting others who are also questioning their ability to embrace their inner divine nature.