Kerri On Down The Road

 Horror movies have never really been my thing.  I have grimaced through my fair share over the years, and always found the ones where the call was coming from inside the house to be the scariest.  Because as soon as you and the ill-fated characters realized that, you all knew it was an inside job.  The menace was actually internal vs. external and could not be ignored or hidden from. Interesting how art imitates life sometimes. Lately, I have been thinking about areas of my life where I know there is work to be done.  Much of what I have been focused on has been within the realm of relationships - both my relationships with others and my relationship with myself.  As much as I have been aware of this need over the years, and have skated around the edges of doing the work, it has become more apparent that now is the time for me to focus on healing some of these past wounds.  And, cue the scary music... I have also noticed how much of this work has beco...

There was a time when I was first single (again) when I had no choice but to spend time on my own.  It was a year before COVID and I found myself setting up a new apartment for the boys and me and once again putting my life back on track.    I never enjoyed spending time alone, often going out of my way to find activities and others to spend time with.  Being on my own felt scary because it meant staring down thoughts and feelings that I would have otherwise preferred to be distracted from paying attention to. Which ironically, was the exact exercise I needed to spend time on.   The thought of doing things by myself, like going to dinner, a movie, or even a coffee also seemed like a real stretch.  I had often seen people sitting at a table for one and wondered if they were there because they wanted to be, or if they were just killing time until the person they were meeting showed up.  It became something that I decided I needed to do, and alm...

 I never would have thought that I would experience a moment of growth while shopping in a Dollarama.  And yet... Last weekend I found myself visiting my local Dollarama, picking up some odds and ends, when I noticed the introductory strains of a song that had begun to play.  I had not heard this tune for at least fifteen years and was quite surprised when it came on.  The song was tied to a pivotal relationship in my life that started off sweet and ended up quite sour.  It was a relationship that I had written off as being entirely negative, as I could not find a way to come to terms with seeing it any other way.  And then I heard this song.  One of "our" songs and it took me back.   It transported me to a time when our relationship was new and exciting, and I was filled with hope for what might be.  Sure we had some ups and downs along the way, but I was willing and able to look past those while focusing on how full my heart felt....

 When was the last time that you truly felt excited about something?  Had a swarm of butterflies swirling in your guts and electricity zapping through your body?  That feeling of waking up early on a special morning and trying to will the clock to move ahead so all surprises would be revealed?  I can tell you honestly that it has been SEVERAL minutes since I last allowed myself to surrender to excitement. I have felt many moments of "optimistic enthusiasm" or "subdued elation" but definitely not the full-blown experience of being really excited about something.  It feels much safer to keep things lower-key because there is much less vulnerability involved.  Being excited means that you are putting out into the world a few things: 1) This is something that I really want, which in turn opens you up to judgment from others on what that something is 2) If said event/item/person doesn't quite work out the way you had hoped, there is the inevitable sense of loss ...

 The other day, walking home from my favourite coffee shop, I noticed a bird lying in the grass.  Its body was nestled into the cool, green grass and its dark wings were spread out as far as they would go.  I stopped and watched as it continued to absorb the sun's warmth, unaffected by the busyness of the other birds that surrounded it.  After a few moments, it tucked its wings back in and started to hop about, returning to more typical bird-like behaviour.  I smiled as I continued on my way, feeling like I had witnessed something special.   The more that I reflected on this sunbathing bird, the more I thought about the assumptions and impressions of nature we hold versus the truth or reality that exists.  The narratives that we believe because they have been given to us and reinforced, regardless of how accurate they are. A few days later, as part of a final assignment in my psychology course, we were all given a personality test to complete....

 In the time since I stepped away from my career to focus on obtaining my degree, I have been witness to ongoing shifts in my understanding of who I am.  They have often been tiny and easy to overlook, but the feelings that accompany them are not.  The fact that it has only been three months since I made this overhaul surprises me because I have a hard time believing that the Kerri of the past existed at all.  She feels so far removed from where I find myself these days.  It is that realization that has led me to make other changes in areas of my life. I am overjoyed to be working on a part-time basis at a non-alcoholic bottle shop in an eclectic area of town.  Before each shift, I look forward to being surrounded by the positive vibes and energy of the shop and feeling like I am furthering education and empowerment for those who are in search of an alternative to alcohol.  I remarked the other day that working was fun - and quickly realized how long i...

 When I made the decision to retire/take a sabbatical/leave work temporarily, I also made a conscious decision to work on my tendency to plan too far ahead.  This was not easy and is still an ongoing work in progress.  I find that I am better able to catch myself in the act of planning and slow my mind down, but I am also aware that I will likely never be able to completely let go of this tendency. The reason I wanted to stop with all of the future-gazing is because I didn't want to miss out on the here and now that I was experiencing.  I wanted to make sure that while I was taking this time to grow, I was able to truly enjoy the process.  The transition from working in a full-time career to becoming a student was strange to navigate and took a few weeks before I felt like I had any semblance of a routine or rhythm to my days.  Slowly but surely, I did find myself falling into a familiar and comfortable way of spending my days that felt both rewarding and r...