Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

It's funny how quickly you can become accustomed to change and to a certain pace of change.  When I look at the past six months of my life and if I really stop and think about all that has taken place, events that I have had control over and those which I have not, it is pretty amazing and honestly a little overwhelming.  Being in the middle of all of this change and movement, growth and exploration, it is easy to lose sight of how much work has taken place and the pace at which these changes have occurred.  By losing perspective around that, I feel like I've simply become accustomed to this fast pace of change and development, and have almost become addicted to it.  To the feeling of movement and coming into myself after so long without that direction or sense of self.  Finally seeing and more importantly accepting myself has truly been something I never really put much thought towards before, and now that I've started I almost feel like a day without some sort of insight or "ah-ha!" moment is something to be worried about. 
Lately as things have slowed down a bit for me, to a more manageable and probably reasonable speed, I can't help but have moments where I feel like I'm getting stuck, taking two steps forward and one step back.  I almost feel at times like I need to find reasons and ways to keep that momentum going because if I don't I won't reach my goals, or will start to stagnate.
What I am slowly realizing is that what I need to start to do is refocus, and think about all of the big things that have taken place as my foundation work, and the heavy lifting in my life.  Getting the base built and strong for all of the upwards growth that will be coming next.
Now is the time to start to focus on the subtle changes, the smaller details.  Nuances.  And to take time to appreciate all that has taken place.  Take a breath and to allow myself to feel proud of what has been accomplished, and to visualize how those big victories will support the smaller and more detailed work ahead.  Fine tuning.
There is still work happening, but it is just at a different pace, with different outcomes.  The new ability to recognize old patterns and to gently guide myself back onto a more purposeful path, and to do so always with kindness.  Understanding that those patterns took years to develop, and may take years to fade away fully.  To be patient with myself to give the time required for those deeper changes to take root and grow.  And most importantly, to continue to go through life keeping your head up, and heart open and aware of all that the universe is bringing your way.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Solar Return Reflections

 As I embark on a new solar return, I am compelled to reflect on the year that is closing behind me. Exercises like these often have us remembering the big wins or struggles, the notable changes and shifts that have taken place, the happenings that are impossible to ignore. And while all of those items are important to note, savour, and pay attention to, I find myself drawn to the smaller moments in time. The almost imperceptible yet impactful catalysts that are most often responsible for growth.  What I find interesting about those tiny agitators is the amount of pain and discomfort they often create as they push us to respond. Like the grain of sand in our shoe that will cause a blister if we don't stop to remove it, ignoring these pain points only leads to longer-lasting, deeper dis-ease if not attended to. It was during a visit with a dear friend this past week that this point was driven home for me. I was describing to her a feeling of overwhelm I had been dealing with (o...
Read more

Letting Go

 This past weekend, I helped my eldest son as he prepared to take the next big step in his life's adventures.  It felt bittersweet to watch as he packed up the room in his apartment, in anticipation of setting up a new room in a new city in the near future.  I have felt proud of him over the past few months as he has navigated many unknowns and new situations with a sense of certainty and enthusiasm for what lies ahead.  Deep down, I marvelled at his ability to let go, to embrace the new opportunities being presented while letting go of the life he had been establishing over the past couple of years.  Thinking back to when I was his age, I am not sure that I would have had the ability to make these same decisions so easily.  Sure, I have had my fair share of tough choices and have navigated change as I have journeyed through life. Still, I have often felt a sense of dis-ease when it comes to letting go of what is or has been to make room for what might be....
Read more

Cheer Stations

 Yesterday, I ran my fifth full marathon, my first in two years.  The idea felt daunting at first - I hadn't forgotten how all-encompassing the training could feel, spanning sixteen weeks and requiring hundreds of kilomteters to be travelled simply to complete those last 42.2.  And yet, there I was, signing up and taking on the work. Training went well - the weeks seemed to pass more quickly than I expected them to, and despite a slightly cranky hamstring, my body and mind adapted to the workouts and didn't put up roadblocks along the way.  Getting up and getting out for those early morning runs and long weekend runs became routine, and something I looked forward to.  Especially the long runs that had me crossing the city instead of sticking to very well-worn routes from previous training blocks.  Friends started to inquire about the big day, and I noticed that many of them seemed to be more excited about the race than I was.  With it not being my firs...
Read more