On being soft and strong....embracing femininity

Something that I have been working to wrap my head around lately is the realization that being feminine isn't surrendering....you can be soft and strong, without being weak.  When I was younger, I never really felt like I could relate to feminine girls.  They were so light, airy, pretty, thin....and I felt the opposite most of the time.  And admitting that I felt unsure of myself, and often self conscious was such an uncomfortable and vulnerable place to be, that I made sure I didn't go there too often.  So instead I took on a persona of being edgy, not trying to be "girly" and feminine in the traditional sense.  So instead of feeling like I was being stared at for the things that I perceived to be wrong with me, I was stared at for dressing and looking unusual.  The more unconventional the better.  Don't get me wrong, none of it was much of a stretch...I wasn't wanting to dress in pink and forcing myself to wear black, or anything like that.  To be honest, dressing in a more feminine way would have been a huge departure for me back then...there are days when it still is!  I can look back and see a lot of what I did as "armoring up" and putting layers between me and the outside world.  Trying to protect myself against negative comments that could hurt because they would hit too close to the mark.  People making fun of how I looked and the music I listened to was much easier to take as it wasn't really about me, it was about my armor.
As time passed, my clothing style has changed and I have been known to actually look quite feminine from time to time, but still there was that edge there, that inability to soften up and be vulnerable.  I continued to be "one of the guys" and prided myself on that role.  I still felt an inability to connect with my deeper feminine side and part of it was due to the fact that after so many years of denying it, I honestly felt like I had no idea HOW to be feminine....it felt like I would be a fake and someone would figure it out.  So instead, I pushed it away and did my best to keep the protection in place.  Fortunately, with some time and confidence I have come to a place in my life where I am finally feeling comfortable being uncomfortable sometimes.
I have started to smooth some of the rough edges I had been carrying around for so long, and have realized that being soft feels natural, and is allowing me to be closer to those in my life.  Dropping those hard edges that were my protection.  Setting aside the notion that nothing can get to me in here unless I let it in.  I can't be hurt unless I make the mistake of opening myself up and inviting that possibility to the table.
What I have started to realize and become aware of is that vulnerability is the key to real relationships and to a depth of feeling that I had not allowed myself to experience before.  I am starting to allow myself to open up to it.
It is funny, I have lived in this body for 48 years now and finally am meeting and getting to know the real me who has been buried deep down inside for so long.  By taking off those edges and relaxing into being authentically who I am, I have given myself a gift.  The gift of true connection.
I am going to be gentle and kind and embrace myself as often as I can.   I will celebrate my strides forwards and look for the learning that comes with the stumbles backwards.
As long as I keep showing up and remain present with myself and others in my life, I can feel good about who I really am and what my true intentions are.