Let Go and Lean In

Picture yourself standing at the top of a hill or mountain.  It's a crisp winter day, sunny and peaceful.  You have skis strapped on  your feet and are looking over the edge to the valley below.  This is something that you have wanted to do, you remind yourself as the butterflies start to fill your stomach.  It goes against all of your instincts, and yet you know that in order to move forward you are going to need to lean forward on those skis, into the void and let gravity take over to bring you down the hill.  You take a deep breath, and go for it.  The exhilaration and sense of freedom are overwhelming and by the time that you get to the bottom, you forget why you were so nervous in the first place. 

Anyone who has downhill skied has likely had a similar experience.  For the first few runs you think you are leaning forward, but your sore shins are a give away that you are sitting back on your heels.  In reality you are leaning in a bit but not fully, still holding back.  Perhaps a deeply rooted desire for self preservation, or a lack of trust in your ability to hold it together.  Either way, as the day progresses and you continue to have those talks with yourself at the top of the hill, there finally comes a run where you just do it.  You finally let go, you actually do lean forward and you finally feel that sense of ease that comes with trusting in yourself.  And that one beautiful run is the one that hooks you, that makes you realize that you are capable of so much more than you have ever given yourself credit for.

And this is where I find myself lately.  Considering that we have been experiencing an early summer heat wave, I am not standing on top of a ski hill.  Instead I am standing in my apartment, or walking in my neighbourhood.  What is similar is the feeling of being at the edge of something and realizing that it is time for me to let go and lean in to it.  But let go of what and lean in how?

I have been spending time lately reflecting on my life, past relationships and other meaningful events that have led to where I am now.  I am in a good place.  I know it deep in my bones and although the path here hasn't always been an easy or pleasant one, I also know that I needed all of those experiences to shape who I am today.  What I have noticed as I reflect is that there have been whispers throughout the years that have come to me, and that I may have heard but waved away.  Half-listened to and then pushed aside.  These whispers were trying to provide some roadside assistance I suppose, a little guidance around potential destinations or routes that I could investigate.  Not being open to those ideas and suggestions put those whispers on hold for a time.  Lately, they have started to resurface.  The difference is that this time, I am ready to listen.  And to simply listen.  No judgement, sudden decisions or changes in plans.  Just listen, and observe how these new ideas and thoughts sit with me.  How they resonate and if they strike a chord anywhere inside of me.  What I am hearing sounds lovely, I must say.  As it sounds like a description of the person that I have known I am all along.  The longer I listen, the more I realize that it is time to finally let go of the version of me that I have been holding onto for so long, trying to make fit into spaces that she doesn't need to or want to, and start to embrace the vision that I am seeing before me.

And this is where the leaning in part comes.  It is one thing to know who you want to be and to feel comfortable in your own skin representing yourself authentically.  It is another thing to actually put that vulnerable and genuine person out there.  Reminds me of sending my kids to kindergarten for the first time.  You have this beautiful little person who is ready to start experiencing the wider world.  And you know that it is time and that they are ready, and yet you are so scared to let go of them because you can't control everything that they will encounter as they start to move through the world or protect them from hurt and other negative experiences.  You also know that by not letting them go into the world, they would never feel the joy of accomplishment or learning and growth.  So you take a deep breath, give them a big hug and kiss and and try not to cry until they get safely inside the kindergarten doors.

I know that it is time to let my beautiful little person out to experience the wider world, as I know that she is ready, and I also know that I am ready to let her go.