My Definition
One of the parts of cycling I enjoy the most is the time that it provides to reconnect with friends. Until recently group rides were not an option, so it has been quite a treat to be able to start having rides in small groups again. My return to cycling this year has been interesting, as it has reminded me how much I enjoy riding but has also at times started me down the path of getting caught up in the numbers - how far, how fast - and then comparing to where I once was.
I was starting to notice the tell-tale signs of burnout cropping up...the lack of desire to participate, not feeling up to doing longer rides, and even considering putting it off to do other things instead. I was a bit concerned as I had taken all of last season "off" and despite a happy return to riding this year, was already starting to feel like I was ready to hang up my gear again.
On a ride a few weeks ago, I was talking with my girlfriend about these conflicting feelings and trying to figure out the reason behind the drive and pressure to perform. She had also needed to back off her riding due to health reasons and as we spoke we realized that we both had similar concerns at first around tempering our involvement and participation. And it all came down to how we define who we are.
When I first started to ride, I was often the only woman in the group, and I was fine with that. I work in a predominantly male-dominated industry, have always had friendships with males and am a mom to two boys. In fact a compliment my late boss once gave me was that I had "guy brain" meaning that I could relate to how the men I interacted with were thinking. What I realize now is that the person I represented myself as in those early rides is not the same person I am today. I will admit, I came on strong, cocky and tried my hardest to be one of the guys. It worked, I blended in (as much as you can when you are all wearing lycra and you are the only female) and really enjoyed feeling like one of the crew. This "one of the guys" behaviour also extended to beer nights and outings where I'd try to keep up beer for beer and joke for joke...you get the picture. At the time it was fun and I don't regret those nights, I just know myself much better these days and have come to a place where I don't feel the need to add those layers of protection as I am comfortable coming to the table as who I am.
Where I find myself struggling is when I start to wonder what people expect of me, based upon the persona that I presented before. I tried to be the "cool chick" or "tough guy" or what have you...and now, not so much. I am happier with who I am these days and feel much more authentic, so would not choose to revert back, but it still is hard to not wonder at times what others think when they get to know the real me. Not always a tough or hard core chick, but more of a real person who sometimes is just not able to go the distance, or not wanting to be always on. Someone who values the time spent in the company of friends, even over a shorter distance, versus always needing to push and achieve more, more, more. Someone who values being able to be vulnerable and open and who also looks for that in the people I surround myself with. The road is long and I am finding much more enjoyable when you take the time to take it all in and allow your true self to define who you are.
I was starting to notice the tell-tale signs of burnout cropping up...the lack of desire to participate, not feeling up to doing longer rides, and even considering putting it off to do other things instead. I was a bit concerned as I had taken all of last season "off" and despite a happy return to riding this year, was already starting to feel like I was ready to hang up my gear again.
On a ride a few weeks ago, I was talking with my girlfriend about these conflicting feelings and trying to figure out the reason behind the drive and pressure to perform. She had also needed to back off her riding due to health reasons and as we spoke we realized that we both had similar concerns at first around tempering our involvement and participation. And it all came down to how we define who we are.
When I first started to ride, I was often the only woman in the group, and I was fine with that. I work in a predominantly male-dominated industry, have always had friendships with males and am a mom to two boys. In fact a compliment my late boss once gave me was that I had "guy brain" meaning that I could relate to how the men I interacted with were thinking. What I realize now is that the person I represented myself as in those early rides is not the same person I am today. I will admit, I came on strong, cocky and tried my hardest to be one of the guys. It worked, I blended in (as much as you can when you are all wearing lycra and you are the only female) and really enjoyed feeling like one of the crew. This "one of the guys" behaviour also extended to beer nights and outings where I'd try to keep up beer for beer and joke for joke...you get the picture. At the time it was fun and I don't regret those nights, I just know myself much better these days and have come to a place where I don't feel the need to add those layers of protection as I am comfortable coming to the table as who I am.
Where I find myself struggling is when I start to wonder what people expect of me, based upon the persona that I presented before. I tried to be the "cool chick" or "tough guy" or what have you...and now, not so much. I am happier with who I am these days and feel much more authentic, so would not choose to revert back, but it still is hard to not wonder at times what others think when they get to know the real me. Not always a tough or hard core chick, but more of a real person who sometimes is just not able to go the distance, or not wanting to be always on. Someone who values the time spent in the company of friends, even over a shorter distance, versus always needing to push and achieve more, more, more. Someone who values being able to be vulnerable and open and who also looks for that in the people I surround myself with. The road is long and I am finding much more enjoyable when you take the time to take it all in and allow your true self to define who you are.
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