On Reclaiming and Letting Go

I feel like I have spent the past two years on two very different journeys as far as my self development and awareness are concerned.  Last year felt like the year where I got quiet and really started to get to know who I am - the real me, on my terms.  I spent a lot of time turning over a lot of rocks that I had not felt brave enough to examine before.  Looking back I realize more and more just how necessary that work was, and although it was often uncomfortable and caused me to face some realizations that were hard, it brought me to where I find myself today.  This year has been a year spent reflecting and looking ahead.  Now that I have a firm base beneath me, I can start to build on that.  Part of the building that I have been doing is looking at the aspects of my life I want to reclaim and those that I am truly ready to let go.

When it comes to what I've decided to reclaim, my true identity would be number one.  I realize now after much reflection just how far I strayed from who I really am and who I have been hiding away for so long.  I found a picture a while back of me when I was around 9 or 10 holding up a big bullfrog and I have the biggest smile on my face.  I remember how happy I was that day, and it serves as a reminder of the little girl inside of me and helps me to be a bit more gentle to her as she continues to figure things out.  It also helps to serve as a reminder of who I am, where I came from and a part of me that I never want to lose sight of.  It's been interesting to me to feel a real shift in this mindset lately, something that I really noticed after buzzing my hair a month ago.  I buzzed it a couple of times now and usually it goes like this -  I work up the courage, get it done and then feel so vulnerable and uncertain that I basically just grow it back and chalk it up to an experiment gone wrong.  This time was different.  I left the chair with my hair nicely cropped and felt good about it.  I left the salon and instead of walking with my gaze cast downwards, I held my buzzed head up high and ready to make eye contact with anyone who looked at me.  I felt like I had uncovered my true self and finally was ready to show the world.  In fact I have even bought clippers so I can maintain it myself at home.  I must say there is nothing in the world quite as empowering as buzzing off your own hair and feeling solid in the knowledge that the only opinion that truly counts is yours and that is the one that you are going to listen to going forward.

When I think about what I can let go, external validation would be number one.  I realize now just how much I relied on relationships and goals to externally validate my worth.  If I could get so and so to like me or notice me, or could accomplish x, y or z  it would lead to a sense of being validated by others.  And if others felt I was worthwhile then I would allow myself to feel the same.  And of course the opposite also rang true.  If I didn't live up to some standard that I had set for myself and fell short of a goal then I would tell myself that I was a failure and had not lived up to others expectations (no matter how close to reality that really was).  It has been interesting to see how this awareness has manifested itself lately.  With the change of seasons I have been looking at my clothes and really taking notice of what I have in my closet and I am feeling like I am seeing for the first time two different sets of outfits.  Those ones that feel good to wear, that I feel comfortable in and that portray me as who I am.  And then there are those pieces of clothing that are all about external validation.  There are the dresses that are clingy and that I wore to look a certain way, for certain people, but not necessarily for me.  The ones that made me feel self conscious and always like I needed to adjust and readjust while wearing them as they never felt "right".  There are the bras with molded cups to help shape and emphasize my breasts to make the overall picture look more feminine and attractive...but to who?  I have always wished my cup size was smaller as for an active person, boobs just seem to get in the way all the time.  There are a couple pairs of killer heels that truly ARE killers now, of my feet, and that I simply cannot wear again.  And of course the lingerie...bought to appease and tease I suppose and that now just seems so silly and unnecessary.  Looking at these things, I almost feel like I am picking through a stranger's closet and drawers as none of these things even feel like they are part of who I am.  

It feels so empowering to be able to physically let these things all go, and as I do I feel like I am also virtually letting go of a past story that I have outgrown while I start to write a new one that I feel will have a much happier ever after attached.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Solar Return Reflections

 As I embark on a new solar return, I am compelled to reflect on the year that is closing behind me. Exercises like these often have us remembering the big wins or struggles, the notable changes and shifts that have taken place, the happenings that are impossible to ignore. And while all of those items are important to note, savour, and pay attention to, I find myself drawn to the smaller moments in time. The almost imperceptible yet impactful catalysts that are most often responsible for growth.  What I find interesting about those tiny agitators is the amount of pain and discomfort they often create as they push us to respond. Like the grain of sand in our shoe that will cause a blister if we don't stop to remove it, ignoring these pain points only leads to longer-lasting, deeper dis-ease if not attended to. It was during a visit with a dear friend this past week that this point was driven home for me. I was describing to her a feeling of overwhelm I had been dealing with (o...
Read more

Letting Go

 This past weekend, I helped my eldest son as he prepared to take the next big step in his life's adventures.  It felt bittersweet to watch as he packed up the room in his apartment, in anticipation of setting up a new room in a new city in the near future.  I have felt proud of him over the past few months as he has navigated many unknowns and new situations with a sense of certainty and enthusiasm for what lies ahead.  Deep down, I marvelled at his ability to let go, to embrace the new opportunities being presented while letting go of the life he had been establishing over the past couple of years.  Thinking back to when I was his age, I am not sure that I would have had the ability to make these same decisions so easily.  Sure, I have had my fair share of tough choices and have navigated change as I have journeyed through life. Still, I have often felt a sense of dis-ease when it comes to letting go of what is or has been to make room for what might be....
Read more

Cheer Stations

 Yesterday, I ran my fifth full marathon, my first in two years.  The idea felt daunting at first - I hadn't forgotten how all-encompassing the training could feel, spanning sixteen weeks and requiring hundreds of kilomteters to be travelled simply to complete those last 42.2.  And yet, there I was, signing up and taking on the work. Training went well - the weeks seemed to pass more quickly than I expected them to, and despite a slightly cranky hamstring, my body and mind adapted to the workouts and didn't put up roadblocks along the way.  Getting up and getting out for those early morning runs and long weekend runs became routine, and something I looked forward to.  Especially the long runs that had me crossing the city instead of sticking to very well-worn routes from previous training blocks.  Friends started to inquire about the big day, and I noticed that many of them seemed to be more excited about the race than I was.  With it not being my firs...
Read more