Choosing Sobriety

 As you read this post I have just celebrated my first six months living sober.  It feels surreal to type those words and yet is a choice that deep down I know was such a necessary one to make.  Some people who know me may find it surprising that I have chosen sobriety, as I didn't outwardly exhibit the stereotypical behaviours of someone who was struggling with alcohol.  I didn't hide bottles throughout my house, I didn't miss work due to hangovers or show up at my work intoxicated.  I didn't have blackouts and end up losing time or days.  So why make this choice?  Why now?  

For me alcohol has always been a means of escape.  A way to soften the hard things, take the edge off, fit in, blur out.  I remember in my twenties when my parents would ask me what my weekend plans were, inevitably the phrase "going out and getting hammered" would be part of the itinerary, because it always was.  A weekend without drinking was a weekend that I was home in bed with some type of terrible illness that would not allow me to go out.  I remember draining my bank account down to the last $5 (because Royal Bank ATMs would allow you to take out $5 at that time) and walking home alone in the wee hours as I had spent my taxi funds on one last drink.  This sounds horrible and desperate, and was also not out of line with what the majority of my friends were also doing at the time.  It didn't stand out as anything out of the ordinary, and neither did the many Sunday mornings spent huddled over the toilet, silently repeating the phrase (not sure to whom I was praying) "if you just make me feel better I promise to not do this again"...until the next time of course.

Fast forward a few years and into parenthood.  Drinking slowed down quite a bit as it was hard enough to be a parent to young children nevermind attempting that while hungover.  This is not to say that it never happened, though.  Just not as often.  And of course there were all the memes and funny slogans to support a wine loving mom "Mommy Drinks Because You Cry" was a personal favourite.  The drinking was more of a glass here and there than anything else, and there was always something available when needed.  

After my first marriage ended and I was single and then into my second relationship (that would later become my second marriage) drinking once again picked up.  I found myself doing my best to keep up with my partner and that definitely led to an increase in volume and frequency.  I did go to work some days knowing I was blurry eyed and feeling a sense of shame about that, but not enough shame to stop.  I liked the taste of wine and had also developed an enjoyment of scotch, bourbon and whiskey, and felt a sense of pride at the fact that I could and did drink them neat.  If there was a time in my life where I felt that my drinking was becoming something I was concerned about, this would be the time.  Looking back

I see a pattern that was coming together that I am so relieved to have broken before it did become an issue for me.  A bottle of wine shared at dinner three or four nights a week, nightcaps before bed almost every day...I remember filling out a doctor's questionnaire and when it came to the part where they ask how many drinks a day you had I felt a sense of shame and uncertainty on how to answer - do I answer honestly and admit it or do I go with the "safe" answer and fly under the radar?  I chose option B as I was not ready to admit or say out loud just how much I was drinking because deep down I knew it was too much.  Too much for me to be comfortable with, and yet too fun to stop.

With the end of my second marriage I found that my use of alcohol also started to ease up.  I didn't drink as often as I didn't like the idea of drinking alone, and saved it for a glass or two on a Friday night with cheese and crackers, or if I was out for dinner.  The frequency definitely diminished but what I started to find was my ability to stop at just one was also diminished.  I started to hear myself tell others "I really don't drink very much anymore" and suddenly look down in surprise that my wine glass was almost empty already...how did that happen so quickly?  I found that being able to stop at just one was becoming harder and although I wouldn't often go beyond a couple of drinks, the inability to stop at one bothered me.  

Ironically with the start of COVID, my desire to drink seemed to naturally reduce.  I just didn't feel like it and if I did have one or two, I felt it the next day.  As we settled into the "new normal" and I found myself starting to take deep inventory of who I am and explore more about myself, I also discovered that drinking was a real roadblock to this growth.  I didn't enjoy the feeling of being intoxicated or out of control and really did not like the feeling the next morning that even one beer or glass of wine would leave me with.  The idea of chosing sobriety started to feel less strange and more in line with who I was becoming than continuing this on again off again relationship with alcohol that I had been fostering.  What helped to cement the decision was finding out that I have early onset mild fatty liver disease.  This diagnosis really hit home - I will never know if it is a hereditary condition or one brought on by my overuse of alcohol for the ten years leading up to becoming sober.  In either case, I felt like I had betrayed my body as on the one hand I work so hard to be healthy and take excellent care of myself, and on the other I was also abusing myself on a regular basis.

To be honest, I am not sure of the exact date of my last drink, but I have assumed that I likely had a beer on my birthday last year, so I am marking September 16, 2020 as my sober date.  Which makes March 16, 2021 my first six months of living a life of clarity and in a way that feels the most authentic to me.  Despite the fact that my drinking had really dropped off in the months prior to my last official drink, the choice to be sober had not been a walk in the park.  It is not until you decide to not drink that you realize just how much pressure there is out there TO drink.  The very same memes and slogans that used to make me smile and nod in agreement now are there to remind me of this decision.  It seems like there is no end to the number of activities that you can do WITH alcohol now - from yoga and wine to beer runs and the list goes on.  The other part that I hadn't really considered was just how much of a crutch alcohol is - when life is good we have a drink, when life is challenging we have a drink, when we are bored we have a drink, when we are having trouble sleeping...and that list goes on as well.  I no longer have the ability to reduce the impact of feelings or hard experiences in my life, instead I feel it all.  I am not complaining though, as this act of feeling it all has really opened up so many parts of my life that I had not examined very thoroughly or clearly before.

I am proud of my decision to live sober and although I first thought that this would be just a little break while I reset my relationship with alcohol, I realize that this was never a positive relationship in the first place, and I really do not want to invite alcohol back into my life. The newfound clarity and sense of self that I have gained tastes much sweeter than any glass of anything that I have enjoyed over the years.