From the Wings to Centre Stage

 This past week I had the opportunity to participate in some online creative movement and dance classes.  It was definitely something that was pushing my edges as it required me to experience myself and my body in a new way.  A softer and more loose way.  It was exciting, a bit scary and SO MUCH FUN!  I have started to incorporate some creative movement into my nighttime routine lately as it feels like a great way to reconnect with parts of myself that I have shut down or shut off over the years.  The parts that are a bit messy, uncontrolled, and unpredictable.

I was thinking more about this today and realized just how much of my life has been fear-based or driven by fear.  The routines, actions and habits I have assumed for a large part have all been ones that I put in place out of one fear or another.  This realization set me back on my heels for a few moments as I have never considered myself to be a frightened person...but I definitely would describe myself as "cautious".  I was never the kid who ventured too far outside of her comfort zone, I took some chances but generally stayed on the safe side of adventure.  Case in point, I made it until my 39th birthday before suffering a serious ankle sprain (that was helped along by a few too many celebratory birthday beverages).  

Fear has been in the driver's seat for too long, and it is high time for a new driver to take over - and that person is going to be me.  Before I can take the wheel however, I feel like I need to take a look at a map to see where fear has been taking me up until now and to determine the new route ahead.

To start I thought I would take a look at the main areas where fear has been a motivator for my thinking, actions and habits: 

- Fear of not being ________ enough - fill in the blank with any of the following : thin, pretty, popular, smart, successful...you get the idea
- Fear of being alone, ignored, unloveable
- Fear of being me - actually showing the world who I really am, living authentically and the potential fallout that could cause

In each of these scenarios above, the fear around the outcome is what drove my behaviour in an attempt to avoid it at all costs - work out more, eat less, go to all the parties, drink to become someone else, do whatever it takes to fit in, give myself away to anyone who would have me, chase emotionally unavailable people, stay busy all the time so I don't have to actually be still and with myself, pretend to be someone I am not by conforming to all of the expectations that I believe others have of me.  Just writing these down makes me feel tired, never mind finding ways to incorporate all of these into my day to day.  And these all needed to happen alongside of taking care of a family, working and trying to be a perfect wife, mother, friend.....

In the dance classes I was a part of, we learned choreography to a song and it reminded me of way back when I was a young girl in tap dancing classes.  I loved moving and learning routines and having a shiny costume to wear to our recital at the end of the year.  It was fun to move and pretend like we were performing a dance in front of an audience.  My favourite part of the routine was the very beginning when we were asked to find a place off camera and that was our spot in the wings.  We made a very dramatic entrance to find centre stage and began our dance. For me, this action really sums up where I feel I am in my life right now.  I have found my place in the wings and am practicing my entrance to centre stage where my dance can truly begin.  It will take a few practice runs before I feel that I make this transition smoothly and there is always that moment of discomfort as I turn to face the audience at centre stage, as I have never really felt comfortable putting myself there.  But deep down I know that I am ready to make my debut and belong at centre stage in my life.  

Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 2, 2021 at 8:25 AM

    Ah your place in the wings, taking that deep breath before stepping into the light! I'm right there with you - isn't it the most exciting place to be?

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnneMarch 7, 2021 at 5:04 PM

    I know every one of those fears.They are quite familiar to me. Beautiful analogy of waiting to take centre stage... It's time.

    ReplyDelete

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