Stampsies, No Erasies

 I remember when I was a child we would often say those words "Stampsies, No Erasies" as a way to demonstrate just how serious we were about something we had said (often concerning a crush on a boy or something equally as important).  It was a way of making it permanent, no undoing what had been said by anyone.  As I move through life I realize how much of that practice I have carried forward with me and am now working on undoing.  The need for permanence in thoughts, decisions, and what I understood to be true for me in my life has been a struggle to see and now soften.  My therapist has often (and still does) call me out for living in black and white thinking...right and wrong...this or that.  Grey is a colour I like to wear as far as clothes are concerned, but boy oh boy I do not like living in it.  That squishy, fluid and uncertain place where there are no concrete answers or The Ends to issues that we are dealing with.  Instead there is processing, and analyzing, and simply sitting in it to feel all the feelings and endure that unease in the pit of your stomach that you truly have NO idea where you are at or where you are headed.

Making decisions has often been something I've struggled with, but not in all areas of my life.  I seem to be able at times to make and execute pretty major decisions without much of a second thought, but get tripped up on smaller more trivial things.  It is frustrating both for me and for the others who are waiting on me to finally say what I am thinking or express what I truly want.  And then of course comes the moment after making a decision where the second-guessing comes in and waffling around whether or not that was a good decision and if it will upset or hurt anyone else.  What I find the most interesting is how I never used to stop and consider how my decision would affect me.  Putting the needs of others first is something that women are for the most part conditioned to do; it is simply part of being a female in our society where we assume the role and stance of being second best and ensuring that the needs of others are met before we consider worrrying about ours. Coming to the realization that that way of thinking is a crock and that in order to truly care about the others in our lives we need to ensure that WE are taken care of first has been so freeing.  And scary.  And at times it has felt selfish.  It has also felt very necessary in order to live a life that feels fulfilled.

I wouldn't say that I decided I was gay as much as I finally realized it last year.  What I did need to decide was whether or not this was "real" and if so what was I going to do about it?  Do I dare tell anyone and what if this is simply a phase...maybe I am really straight and just need a break from men for awhile...maybe I am looking for attention and this is an avenue I have not tried yet...and the list goes on.  The questioning phase of this journey for me did not last terribly long as I was able to go to that grey place and sit there and just explore these thoughts.  COVID helped with this immensely as what the heck else was there to do but sit around and think?  What scared me the most was how certain I was about these new feelings and this realization, after spending so many years waffling about so many other things.  

As the months have passed and I have become more sure of who I am I also find that my ability to make decisions around other areas of my life has also improved.  I believe that this comes from finally trusting myself to know what is best.  Finally not needing to get approval from others to help me see myself.  Finally realizing that I possess knowledge of who I am that only I could hold and by tapping into that I know that I can and will make the decisions that are right for me, in the moment I make them.  The other part of the puzzle that has fallen into place is the idea that life is fluid.  There is nothing that cannot be undone and there is no harm in changing your mind and making a new decision based upon new information at it arrives. I used to worry so much about making the wrong choice and forever shutting myself off to possibilities or opportunities a different decision would have brought me.  What I know now is that with each decision we make, we move forward and even if what seems like a great opportunity is "missed" based upon that decision, a new and more resonant one will meet us as we continue ahead.