Love in the time of COVID

Full transparency before we begin - Serendipity is one of my all-time favourite movies.  In the movie, John Cusack's character is given a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera and that book plays an important role in the movie.  I decided to read it after watching the movie for the upteenth time and then decided to borrow the idea for my blog title today.  Ok, now that I have that off of my chest....


If you read my previous post (Knowing When To Push and When To Pull) you will know that I went for COVID testing and much to my shock I did test positive.  By the time I went for a test and found out my result I had already been sick for 10 days and technically had ended my quarantine requirement.  Fortunately I live on my own when the boys are not here and had kept to myself because I was feeling sick, so despite not knowing that I had COVID my impact on people connected to me was minimal.  When I consider the spiritual and emotional impact that COVID has had on me however, it has been anything but minimal.

There was a sense of shame and shock that came with the positive result.  I felt stupid like how could I have let this happen?  I know better!  I know all of the precautions that are needed and felt like I had been doing a good job of following the guidelines and protocols.  I felt embarrassed to have to admit to people that I did test positive as I worried that they would draw conclusions about me and my irresponsibility around getting sick.  I likened it to what I assume the feeling would be if you had an STD and then needed to reach out to partners to let them know and advise them to be tested themselves.  What I found was the complete opposite, and once again a reminder of how quickly we jump to the most negative stories we can tell ourselves when we feel shame.  

The family and friends that I shared this news with were all immediately concerned and caring.  Even when I voiced my feelings of embarrassment and shame they quickly put those to rest through reassurance that this was not something I had done wrong or brought on myself through carelessness or disregard for the safety protocols.  I did feel relief that the boys were not with me as I began to feel sick and they have not seen me since I did test positive, so they were out of harms' way.  That meant that I had been on my own for about three weeks, aside from the cats.  Despite the fact that I had been here alone, there was not had a day where I felt lonely or isolated.  Not a day passed where I didn't have someone checking in to see how I was doing, and to make sure I was okay and didn't need anything.  Friends dropped off supplies without being asked and my heart felt so full.  

I was wondering if this might be a passing phase or feeling, that things would once again regulate and go back to a more normal ebb and flow.  Today I feel like I have my answer.  I am looking at love through very different eyes these days.  As something that we can practice instead of something that happens to us.  By looking at love as an action it makes it much less daunting to incorporate into our lives and the lives of those we care about.  I thought that I would start my love practice with self love - filling my own cup before trying to fill those of others.  It may sound woo woo, and perhaps it is but I feel like this is the only path that makes sense anymore and the peace it brings makes all of the doubt fade away.  Self love has taken many different appearances from simply starting and ending my days with the words "Good Morning/Night Kerri, I love you.  Good Morning/Night body, I love you".  I say this out loud everyday and hearing those words has done something for me.  It has brought a genuine appreciation into my life that was not there before.  Other ways I have added some self love include a short yoga flow to start my days, journalling regularly, eating good foods, getting enough sleep for me to feel good, building a community of people around me who also share the same desire for a full and fulfilling life, and paying much more attention to what my body is telling me emotionally, physically and spiritually about its needs.  It sounds like a long list but in reality these are small moments in a day that add up over time to fill my cup and make me feel better able to be present and able to share this love.

What I have noticed is that by creating this love practice, I am better able to see the love in my life as it is taking place.  My youngest saving crazy TikTok videos to show me because he knows they will make me laugh.  My eldest saving the peanut butter spoon for me to lick after he makes a shake (I literally came down from a bike ride this morning to find the peanut butter spoon on the side of the sink, waiting for me!)  My cats snuggled up together on the couch dozing away.  My plants blooming and thriving in the windows.  Friends and family sending quick notes to say hi and share a post or thought that they know will resonate with me.  All of these serve to remind me that when we make love an action instead of a reaction it becomes so much easier to really notice that love IS all around us.


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