Instead of Forever, How About For Now?

 I went for a walk the other day, deciding to not bring anything to listen to.  I wanted to be present with my thoughts and ruminate a bit on some ideas I had been processing.  As I fell into a nice rhythm of strides I found my mind doing its thing, swirling and pulling apart the threads of things that were on my mind. 

Those who know me well will also nod in agreement when I say that I tend to be a "planner" putting together the blueprints of next steps and the ones after those almost immediately when faced with a goal or issue.  When this is pointed out to me, I usually laugh it off and say "Virgo" as if my birth sign is the only reason I need to give, and then get right back into planning mode.  This character trait has served me very well in my life, as it has allowed me to become laser focused on goals I want to achieve or skills I want to gain, and has also come in pretty handy when helping others to streamline their processes at work or map out how to successfully complete a project.  At the heart of it all, I guess I am someone who likes stability and safety.  I enjoy working within a known framework where I feel like I have figured out all of the potential pitfalls and have ways of either avoiding them or plans on how to deal with them if they should arise.  

What occurred to me on my walk was how this type of thinking tends to also lead me down the path of "forever thinking".  Making the assumption that if things are a certain way then they will be this way forever.  This pendulum can and does swing both into positive and negative territories.  I can assume that because I was able to do something one day, that will now be the new basis upon which I will measure future successes.  And if there is a setback and I am unable to do something, disaster-mode thinking kicks in and the new assumption is that I will never be able to do X, Y or Z or if I can the whole plan is shot and needs reworking.  The more I thought about this the more I realized that in thinking like this I was actually putting defense mechanisms in place - trying to protect myself from feeling too happy or hopeful or too sad or disappointed no matter what the situation.  By making these long-term assumptions I could prepare for the outcomes I felt were most likely and not be caught off-guard.

Where this thinking is flawed is in the fact that while you are making these plans and forecasts, life is passing you by.  While you are busy regretting the past or awfulizing the future you are missing all of the moments in between.  And those are the ones that count the most - the present moments.  

I decided that I want to change this pattern of thinking and being, to allow the unknowns to occur and to learn how to roll with them.  I will tell you with full transparency THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY!!!!  Yet I know that it is important work for me to take on and will allow me to enjoy my life more fully.  Where to start?  

First of all is to simply pay more attention to my thoughts and how they make me feel.  I know that if I am feeling depressed or regretful about things I am likely letting my mind fixate on the past.  When I feel anxious or concerned I am likely in fast-forward mode thinking about the future.  It is only when I feel calm and clear that I realize that I am actually focused on the present moment.  

By the end of my walk I was feeling so much more centred and at ease.  And I began to notice that I had been repeating a mantra as I walked - instead of forever, just for now - an encouragement to let go of assuming that things stay static and that we can control or influence our paths by trying to engineer them.