Nurturing a Spark

The other day I was in the kitchen and for a change I had my laptop with me and was typing away.  I usually do my writing in my bedroom but having spent the better part of my day up there for work, I decided a change in scenery would do me good.  As I was happily writing away, my eldest son came along and asked me how much time I spend each day writing.  What a great question.  It stopped me in my tracks for a minute and as I was trying to come up with an answer, I realized that in this I was on the edge of an a-ha moment.  I told him the honest answer, that I didn't actually know how much time I spend but that I did know that I wasn't writing every day.

The longer I thought about this, the clearer my realization became.  I hadn't been spending dedicated time on my writing, meanwhile I love to write and know that by making it a more consistent practice I will only become a better writer.  So what was stopping me?  On my kitchen wall is a picture that my parents gave me and it states  "This is your life, do what you love and do it often"  Great reminder.

I started to think back about other pursuits that I have undertaken in my life, and a pattern started to emerge.  A habit of deciding on learning or trying something new, pouring my heart and soul into it only to move on to a new pursuit once I have gained a reasonable level of competence.  And as the new bright, shiny object steals my energy the original passion dies on the vine.  Why is this I wondered.  

The more I reflected on this, an answer started to become clear to me.  Fear.  Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of ridicule.   What I started to notice was that I would stop my pursuit of a new skill once I was "good enough" at it because being good enough meant that it was still under the radar and not likely to really grab any attention.  I could cruise with a reasonable level of achievement and never have to feel the fear of actually stepping up and admitting that I really really wanted to be good at this thing I was working on.  And by never saying it out loud I would never have to face the self-imposed consequences of not reaching that level of mastery.  Only I would know and to ensure that even I didn't have to deal with that feeling of disappointment I would simply shift focus to something new that even I couldn't expect myself to be good at yet.  

Even as I write this I can feel the release that admitting this has unlocked.  And also just how powerful our own sense of self-judgement and assumed judgement by others can be.  I still need to remind myself that no one is really paying as much attention to what I am doing as I am, so it is okay to step out on a limb and try hard and maybe not quite get it.  As long as it is something that I am doing for my own fulfillment that is all that matters.   I know that in order to give a spark a chance to ignite I need to stop worrying about whether or not it will become a bonfire and simply nurture it in the moment and see what happens next.