I'll Tell You What I Want, What I Really Really Want...

(Before I begin, I feel the need to apologize to anyone who now has a Spice Girl ear worm running through their brain...if it makes you feel any better, me too!)

The reason I chose that title was because I have come to realize in the past couple of weeks just how hard it is to actually admit to myself and others what it is I really want.  And I am not talking a latte or an americano type of want.  I mean the big stuff.  The game-changing, life altering stuff.  Those deep desires and wants that we hold onto in our souls and in my case, tend to not share with others or even ourselves.

I remember back many years when my first boss and mentor Gord asked me what I wanted from my career, where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do.  I felt immediate panic.  I know that I must have looked like a deer in the headlights because that is how I felt.  No one had ever really asked me this before and I can honestly say that I was not prepared nor ready to actually go into it.  Partially because at that point in my life I really had no clear idea and also because that was a lot to open up about and admit.  What if what I wanted was not what I was doing now?  What if I actually was in a completely different space than I wanted to be in?  Then what?  So I just mumbled some vague answer that demonstrated that I had no clear idea and also that I was fine to go along as I was.  

Flash forward to now, probably twenty years later, and still the thought of opening up about what I really want feels daunting.  The more I think about it, the reasons become clearer.  There is still uncertainty around what IT is.  I have been able to gain a bit more clarity in the past few years, but the crystal ball remains a tad cloudy at times.  The other reason is fear.  Out and out fear.  Fear of admitting things that may not resonate with the people I share them with.  Fear that once I have said it out loud and birthed this vision or idea, it might start to come true.  Holy crap then what???  I might actually need to take action to put that vision into reality.  And what if, after all this time spent visualizing and dreaming, I can't actually do it?  

This is where I have been finding myself lately.  Facing down fear and what ifs.  Fear of failure, of disappointing myself and others, fear of success.  It is amazing the many faces that fear can take on.  And all of them feel so valid.  What ifs are like the bed mates of fear.  Those creeping, nagging doubts that tag along just in case fear wasn't enough.  I have no magic solution or remedy for this, and I believe that these are all a part of the cycle of change.  If we didn't feel this hesitation and uncertainty I don't think that we are actually experiencing real change.  In my experience there has always been these times of doubt, second-guessing and wanting to turn back to where it feels safe.  And although I have just typed that line, it is also funny how quickly we forget and then are awe-struck at how fear and doubt come back to visit us again while we face our next change.

So what have I been doing?  Trying to be present.  Trying to not forecast the future.  Reaching out to loved ones to share and listen.  Not because I am polling them for advice or trying to vet my decisions but rather to gather points of view aside from my own that I can sit with and reflect upon as I look at what information I have in front of me.  I am being very mindful around self-care with a bedtime that has become earlier, and listening to my body for cues around activity and fuel.  Journalling and mediating.  Writing down my thoughts as they come to me so I can get them on paper and out of my swirling mind and also to let them breathe a bit outside of my body.  

What I am not doing is beating myself up for feeling these feelings.  I am also not pressuring myself into action or decisions.  I am honouring that important choices take time and allowing the process to unfold.  And I am listening to the journalling cards that keep coming up.  "You Are the Dreamer of Your Dream" and "Where Your Energy Flows Your Intention Goes".  Both such excellent reminders that this process may feel like it is taking place outside of me and I have no input on outcomes, but that is untrue.  At the end of the day, I AM the dreamer of my dream and as such what I dream for me may not resonate with anyone else, and that is perfectly fine.  In fact, if it did resonate as strongly with others, it would be their dream, not mine.  And remembering that I create my energy and direction with my thoughts and actions, no matter what the situation.  Facing the future being curious, aware and open-hearted will eventually bring me to where I need to be.