Building a Mystery

Another week, another song title for my blog post.  This one really resonates as I feel more and more lately like I am becoming an architect, even though the very thing I am building is somewhat of a mystery to me.  I am planning my next steps, crafting my vision of what I would like my future to look like and doing it all by feel.  Almost like putting together a jig saw puzzle and slowly finding where the pieces all seem to fit together.

For those who know me well, this type of unscripted building is not typically my way of doing things.  I am a rather process-driven person, someone who likes to create and follow a plan.  I enjoy having a framework to guide me and have always felt the most comfortable when I know the parameters that I'm working within.  For example, when I was a kid and playing with Lego, I was more likely to follow the patterns and instructions than I would be to just build things off the cuff.  (Side note - I feel that all of the Lego building by plan has only helped me out later in life with the tons of Ikea furniture I have built since!)  I often jokingly blame this tendency for planning on being a Virgo, however I also feel that it was nurtured by a lack of self confidence or trust in my ability to succeed without guidance.  And ultimately I think that it has been my people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies that are at the root of this need for clear direction and well-thought out plans and processes.

So this place that I find myself these days has been quite a shift, and although it has had its moments of deep uncertainty and even fear (yes, THAT word again!) it has also started to become a place that I am getting used to.  Learning to flow with the uncertainty and deepening my trust in the universe and allowing events to simply unfold and then look at what I have in front of me.  Changing my lens from one that tended to always focus on future outcomes to one that takes in and appreciates the present moment.  NONE OF THIS IS EASY!  Please know that even as I type this, I am reminded of the many times when I have felt deep pangs of worry and of not liking not knowing.  

During my yoga training we discussed change and one aspect of the cycle of change was entering the "fertile void".  This space is one where we find ourselves while we are in the midst of moving towards a new outcome or journey.  It is the ultimate grey area where feelings of deep unrest and even confusion around what might happen next swirl and feel all encompassing.  I feel like I entered this void a few weeks back and to describe it would be like describing what I think the inside of a deep, dark cave would be like...dank, murky, slippery and hazy.  And yet, behind all of that was also a sense of ease as I recognized where I was and what was going on.   Knowing that this is one phase of my journey and that for me, being here means I am on the right path, actually took away some of the fear and pain that I had been feeling.  

So as I continue to do my building, I am reminding myself to take a step back to look at what I have in front of me, much like a painter would as she studies the easel in front of her.  Taking in the bigger picture as well as the fine details that are starting to become visible.  I am not looking at my watch or a calendar, and instead am looking within and am trusting myself and the greater powers that are around me to know when the time will be right to unveil my creation.    

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