Edges

 It's interesting how one word can conjure up so many different images, feelings and thoughts.  In my life I have had a few different experiences with edges.  Two that stand out in my mind would involve skiing and hockey.  Until I started to learn how to ski in my early 40s, I had no idea that skis had metal edges and that really accomplished skiers actually skied on their edges to get that lovely, fluid and fast swoosh down the hill.  I often managed to catch my edges as I went down the hill, leading to some epic yard sales where my skis, poles and body all seemed to end up in different places.  I had a desire to get over on my edges but at the same time had difficulty trusting my ability to be able to handle it if I did.   

When I started to learn how to skate for hockey (also in my early 40s...yes, there is a theme there) I quickly learned the importance of trusting your edges.  Being able to stop without bashing into the boards, to change direction and pretty much anything else that you do on the ice all requires that you use and trust your edges.  I spent numerous sessions on the ice learning to stop on both sides and feeling fear going one way versus the other because I just didn't believe that I would or could stop and would end up smoking myself on the rink.  Finally I was able to get the stopping down and then moved on to other skills and drills that I still to this day find hard to do.  And it all comes down to trusting or not trusting my edges, which is something that I realized I have struggled with throughout my life.  

Over the holidays I had the opportunity to read Brene Brown's latest book Atlas of the Heart, and feel very grateful for this chance.  I highly recommend it and am going to buy a copy so I can put sticky notes throughout it as there were more than a few a-ha moments for me.

One such a-ha moment centred on edges, taking them off and putting them back on.  The idea that struck me was how we often look to "take the edge off" so we can numb pain, smooth out an anxious situation or feeling or to make others feel more comfortable around us.  In reality, by taking our edges off we start to blur our sense of who we are and instead of holding healthy boundaries we start to blend into what others want us to be, or what we think we need to be in order to be accepted by others.  When we put our edge back on we are actually honouring ourselves by providing a signpost that marks where we end and others begin.  Until I read this, I had never really considered the concept of putting an edge on...it seemed harsh or like drawing a line in the sand.  However the more I sat with it I realized that it really is a big part of being able to determine and hold healthy boundaries, and I remember feeling a similar sense around the idea of boundaries when I first started to do work around that.  

As I considered this more I also realized how much trust comes into the equation.  Much like my inability to trust my ski or skate edges, I have had many moments, years and decades even when I haven't trusted myself enough to put my edge on and feel comfortable holding it.  Instead it felt safer to blur and soften who I really am because there would be less reason to have to actually stand up and advocate for myself.  It is not easy to actually believe in yourself enough to perhaps not be the most popular person at the party or to know that you may not be understood by others and be able to roll with that.  It feels good to fit in, or does it?  

There was another section of the book that discussed fitting in versus being accepted for who you are, and in reading that I have to say that despite all of the years spent wanting to feel like I fit in, it was really being accepted for who I am that I wanted.  And I can see now that without trusting my edges and holding my boundaries even when it is not comfortable or easy, I will never get to the place where I will know that I am truly accepted for being me.