Taking Back the Keys

 Throughout my life I have been more than happy to hand over the car keys to my significant other to drive us places.  It never bothered me to step aside and let someone else drive.  In fact, I have often preferred it that way.  Not having to be in the driver's seat meant that I could just sit back and let things happen and allow someone else to be in control.  No decision to be made, no voicing of opinion around the route, unless asked, and often not commenting on the driving style (despite sometimes not being comfortable with speed and other aspects of the experience).

It struck me today how much that has changed in the past couple of years.  Ending my last long-term relationship meant that I was required to once again change positions and climb back into the driver's seat.  To start to take charge of things and be responsible for making decisions on the how, when and where again.   For the most part, this was a change that I was very ready to take on and it felt great to be able to be the one making those decisions.  

Despite the readiness to be in the driver's seat again, I have found that there are some aspects of my life where this transition has not moved quite as smoothly and where I still encounter hiccups.  Lately this has shown up for me when faced with what may seem like pretty straightforward decisions to be made.  Instead of just deciding and moving on, I am waffling, and secretly wishing that someone would just come in, tell me what to do so I could just nod and agree and move on.  It feels very vulnerable to admit that - the desire to just let someone else do the deciding for me, when I see myself as a rather independent and self-sufficient kind of person.  I have prided myself over the years on not needing help, on refusing it or resisting it and instead making things harder for myself in the long run.  (Okay, so maybe not proud of making things harder for myself, but very proud of accomplishing hard things.)  

I feel like for many years I have been trapped somewhere between wanting to have someone to "guide me" and take decisions out of my hands and the opposite end of the spectrum where I want to be able to do it all, all by myself come hell or high water.  Interesting tug of war.  People pleasing until it hurts (because it ultimately does) versus proving myself through self-imposed hardship.

Which leads me to where I find myself today, trying to make sense of it all and figure out how to bring these two parts of me together in a more friendly and much less exhausting way.  I think that for me step one is the act of "taking back the keys" and becoming more comfortable being in the driver's seat more often.  All the while being open to allowing a co-pilot to take over and drive a spell, so I could enjoy the role of active passenger.  Finding my voice and asking questions, speaking my mind and voicing concerns.  Looking for input and balancing it against what I am thinking and feeling.  Knowing that no one person has all the answers, or needs to have them.  Learning to collaborate in life and love and all things in between on the journey.