Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

 I first started writing this blog entry a year ago.  At that time I had been reading books on addiction recovery and was noticing many similarities in those processes and the work I had been doing to uncover the root of some enduring behaviour patterns that I was wanting to change.  As I was doing this deep dive, I came to a startling realization around deception and how it had played out in my thoughts and actions both towards myself and others.

I started to notice how often I have lied to both myself and others throughout my life - saying yes when I meant no, saying no when I wanted to say yes or staying silent when I wanted to speak up.  And even little things like saying that I had read, heard, or done something in the throes of a great conversation with someone just so I could create a sense of belonging and feel like I fit in.

This lying was never done vindictively - It was not like a premeditated intent that I came into a situation with.  Instead it tended to occur in the moment as a way to connect with whomever I was interacting with, fueled by the fear of being honest causing me to be excluded, or making me a cast out.  

I felt deep shame as I came to this realization.  When the author talked about how much she had lied I remember thinking that seemed so hard to understand, why on Earth would someone do that....then as the book progressed and some examples were shared I realized I have done the very same thing, and often.  Have you ever lied to get out of an invite to do something because it is just so much easier to do that versus telling the truth, that you just aren't able to make it or are not interested?  Or have you lied to yourself by attending events that you really didn't want to because you felt that it was the right thing to do or because you didn't know how to say no thank you?  Swallowing my feelings has been another way that I have lied - under the guise of being "laid back" I would not share my true thoughts and admit that something was bothering me or that I was not okay with something,  I have lied about what I have wanted or not wanted in a relationship, a friendship, at work. 

This may feel like a confession, and that is not really the purpose of my sharing.  I wanted to share because I know that I am not alone in this practice.  I feel like it happens more than we care to admit and is often partnered with a deep need to people please and a need to live up to internal and external expectations.  I wanted to provide an opportunity for others who may also recognize this behaviour in themselves to feel seen.  When I allowed myself to admit that I, too had been deceitful I felt a deep sense of shame.  The message in my head was "but I am a good person...how can this be?"  What I decided was that although I am not proud of this pattern, I was not going to punish myself for it.  Instead I decided to become more aware and stop before I speak to ensure I am speaking authentically about how I feel.

These misrepresentations have hurt me over the years in many ways, and at times may have hurt others as they have not been able to know me as I truly am, and for who I truly am.  While I cannot change what has already taken place, I can carry this awareness forward as I learn to stand comfortably in what I know to be my truth.