Putting Yourself First

 The other day in a therapy session my counsellor made a point of telling me that she noticed I had started to make decisions that centred my best interests and how happy she was to see this taking place.  I thanked her and continued on in the moment, however those words stayed with me after our call.  They are still bumping around in my head now, days later.  I think that the reason this comment was so impactful was that I hadn't realized it was taking place.  And the more I thought about it, I also realized just how absent this type of thinking had been up until now.  

Saying no to things that are just not for me is a new skill I am developing and it is not easy.  The decisions that I described to my counsellor that morning were not earth-shattering however they would have absolutely added stress to an already busy schedule and would have potentially led to resentment and frustration as time went on.  Looking at it from this lens, it may seem like a no brainer - how could you NOT say no to things that aren't congruent with who you are AND will likely make you feel unhappy?  Well...when you are often more concerned with how other people will feel if you say no, it is quite easy to take on many things that you really aren't meant to be doing.  

For me, the fear of disappointing others ranks so very high that I have often found myself saying yes when I should have said no, and then struggling with the feelings that I am left with.  It is ironic, when I think about it now because often I am afraid of disappointing people by saying no, and then once I take on whatever job/task/commitment I then am left feeling worried that I won't be able to live up to the expectations of that thing I just said yes to...and so the cycle goes.  And while this cycle spins my mental bandwidth is slowly eroded as so much focus and energy gets used by fueling these thoughts and fears while also trying to juggle all of the new things I have just said yes to.  No wonder I go to bed so early!

So, what has changed?  What magical secret have I uncovered that has allowed me to make this shift?  Honestly it has just been honesty.  Honesty with myself about my limits, capabilities and ultimately what I can and want to fit into my life.  Realizing that unless I speak my truth, no one will actually know it.  Unless I make decisions that are in my best interests, no one else will make those for me.  And until I learn to set and communicate reasonable and meaningful boundaries, no one will respect them.  The other thing that I have come to realize, which has probably been the most shocking and liberating of all...if you are able to honestly, transparently and simply state your feelings and needs, the majority of people will respect your needs and will come away respecting you as well.  

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