Desperately Seeking Kerri

When I look back on my life I can't help but notice a pattern of searching that has often been there.  At the root of the search has been a desire to find myself through new hobbies, interests, activities...all with a hope of filling a void.  I can remember a sense of being unsettled and needing to try something new with the hope that this new thing would be THE missing piece I was looking for.  I ended up learning many new skills and enjoying lots of interesting experiences, but nothing fixed this empty feeling inside of me.

I gradually came to realize that instead of looking for a thing, it was actually a voice that I was listening for that would tell me that I am okay, I am good enough and I am worthy.  And so for many years I yearned to hear those words and did all I could do to try and fit into what I thought others wanted from me, constricting and masking myself in order to fit into those very restrictive spaces.  Although this practice was not serving me and was actually doing the very opposite of what I was hoping to achieve, it took many years for me to see that and to finally let go of this vision of external acceptance.

As I started to let go of my need for external validation I began to hear a voice speaking the words that I so longed to hear.  It was pretty quiet at first, just a faint whisper and would have been so easy to brush aside.  But something made me listen.  A spark, a hope, a fluttering of energy that I could not ignore.  And as I started to pay more attention, the words grew stronger and I started to recognize the sound of the voice - it was mine.  Finally after so many years of looking to others to tell me I was okay, I realized that the only person who really needs to reassure me is me.  The void is full, I am full, I am enough just as I am.

No longer feeling compelled to continue searching for something to fix me has allowed me to appreciate all that I have learned and accomplished over the years.  To analyze and decide what fits and what I can let go of.  Knowing that my worth and who I am is not dictated by what I can do or who I can please but by what lights me up and creates a positive energy that I can share with the world. 

By no means does this mean that my learning journey is complete.  What it does mean is that I can pleasure in building upon the foundation I have created.  Using this as a springboard from which I can propel myself forwards into new and uncharted territory.  No longer feeling weighed down by requirements or expectations and free to simply explore, learn and grow.

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