Learning to Create and Hold Space

 Lately I have started to take a closer look at my schedule, evaluating what I have been filling my days with and deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of.  It has been interesting to notice the emotions and reactions that this has brought to the surface, especially around the letting go side of the equation.

At the beginning, there was a feeling of disappointment or dismay as I came to the honest realization that I was doing too much and simply could not maintain all that I had on the go.  I felt like I had failed and that there were others out there who were likely doing more so what was wrong with me?  Underneath that, there was a sense of loss and a fear of losing some of my identity as I started to think about letting go.  Instead of allowing those thoughts to hijack the exercise, I allowed them to sit with me and to really look into what was driving them.  Then I slowly began to make some changes.  Nothing drastic or over the top.  Simply walking through my days and finding ways to create some space.  The sense of ease has been quite noticeable and a much-needed change, and the trickle-down effect has been quite interesting.  I found that my first few nights of sleep were actually more restless than before, which I had not anticipated.  The reason for this?  My mind having some space to start mulling over things that I had been pushing to the side because I simply did not have the bandwidth to address them at any other time.  Once I managed to get caught up on those "floating to-dos" I found my sleep has become a bit more peaceful and I find that I am waking feeling more rested most days.  I am also finding that I am better able to focus on a task at hand and finish something before my mind starts to wander off to a new idea or activity.  I am approaching the items that have remained in my calendar with a renewed sense of enjoyment, where in the weeks prior there was often times a sense of flatness or disinterest even for things that usually brought me joy.  

The other part of this exercise which has proven to be a challenge has been the act of seeing these spaces, and simply holding them.  For me.  When I first started to free up some time in my days, I will admit that my first instinct was to look for new things to plug into those spaces.  Because I mean, I suddenly had time and what better to do with free time than to fill it up with new things to do, right?  If you know me you will know that this is a pattern of mine that I have carried with me for so long it almost seems second-nature.  I enjoy being busy, and doing lots of things, helping others, learning new skills, and generally living what I call a very full life.  What I am starting to appreciate is that my life can be full, without my calendar being full.  I can soak up the experiences that fill my cup and still allow myself to also soak up quiet time doing absolutely nothing at all.  And by holding space, I am actually better able to really enjoy what I do focus my energy on,  because in those spaces I can recharge and build my energy back up.  I feel like I am becoming less of a human doing and more of a human being day by day, and that subtle shift is truly a gift.