Proud

 This past weekend marked my first in-person and out Pride.  And what a weekend it was!  It was incredible to share space with so many others and to do so in the spirit of celebration.  What struck me this weekend was just how much I needed there to be a place and time to feel really comfortable in my own skin.  

For the past two years, I have been able to be vulnerable by choice, and have been able to control just how much I did and did not share.  I could remove myself from others as I felt I needed to and could also choose to surround myself with people I felt were allies.  As things have started to open up, and there are more opportunities to integrate back into social activities, I have noticed a real uncertainty bubbling up inside of me.  When I looked at these feelings of apprehension what I came to realize was that they weren't based upon a fear of illness or getting sick, they were firmly rooted in being seen by others for who I am.  

First, I was faced by questioning "Was this a huge step backwards?",   "After all of the work I have done in the past couple of years, was I going back to where I started?"  Then I had to look self-doubt in the eyes and remind myself that even a small step back or pause was not undoing anything and was also not an unusual response to such a big shift. Finally I came to acceptance of my feelings and started to understand why they were coming forward, and thankfully that coincided with Pride weekend.

As I left home to attend my first event I felt very vulnerable, like everyone who looked at me knew I identified as LGTBQ+ and had opinions and were making decisions on the kind of person that I am.  This may seem overblown or dramatic, and perhaps it is.  It is also the truth of what that subway ride felt like and something I had not anticipated experiencing.  Arriving at the Trans march and meeting up with friends felt like coming home.  I could feel a change taking place inside and my protective armor could drop.  Seeing so many happy, smiling faces on folks of all ages, life stages, backgrounds and experiences was like a balm.  The longer I sat and took it all in, the more I realized that I could be proud of who I am, regardless of what others might think.  And although I had come to this place in my smaller, controlled world, it was now time to expand those boundaries into the world at large.  

Being able to participate in Pride this year was something I really needed; I had no idea just how much until I was a part of it.  Feeling like I had found myself and my community at large was incredible and has helped me to start taking new steps forward into a space of deeper self-acceptance.  I can honestly say that I feel a sense of pride in who I am and the folks who I have the privilege to share this community with.