Vision Correction

 Earlier this summer I underwent a surgical procedure to remove some scar tissue from the cornea of my right eye.  I had been experiencing blurred vision for some time (read - several years) and had been putting off doing anything about it.  Finally I deiced that enough was enough and booked the procedure.  It is funny how nonchalant I was in the weeks leading up to the surgery, dismissing the whole thing as being not a very big deal and gratefully declining any offers of help or support.  I wonder if this was my way of trying to make myself feel less stressed - simply downplay it and convince myself that it was not worth getting too fussed about.  Surgery day came and I was actually glad - it would be great to have this taken care of and potentially have my vision returned to where it had been before this became an issue.  The procedure was a success; I was given a regimen of drops and guidelines for aftercare and a fancy pair of super dark sunglasses.  The aftercare stipulated that this first weekend was best spent resting - no exercise or activity that could stress the eyes or cause injury.  Once again, I downplayed the need for rest and instead of doing a run or bike ride, I decided to walk a LOT.  Why was I unable to treat this with the care it required?  Because it was me - had this been one of my kids or a close friend, I would have been encouraging rest and the exact opposite of what I provided for myself.  

My eye took longer to heal than I had expected, which I found frustrating and also a bit worrisome.  I began to realize just how important this procedure had been and how misaligned my reactions towards it had been.  How quickly I discounted my well-being and my body's need for recovery time, and how I seemed to be unable or unwilling to accept the fact that I needed to treat myself with compassion.  As my eye did heal, I also needed to accept that my vision was not returning to 20/20.  Each time I looked at the eye chart, it was quite evident that although the distortion was gone, the blur remained.  The only time that my vision was clear was when the technician handed me a paddle to hold over my right eye.  It looked like a large mixing spoon that had holes in the bowl of it.  When I held this over my eye and looked at the chart, I could see everything crystal clear.  I asked one of the techs why this was, and she replied that the holes changed how light entered the eye, providing clarity.  How interesting...and what a great metaphor to noodle.

Going into this journey, my goal was to have the scar tissue removed and to have my vision corrected.  And although I can't make out all of the letters on the vision charts, I feel like my ability to see clearly has been improved.  The idea of gaining clarity through a change in light (or perspective) really struck me.  It has been something that I have known all along, but having that concrete reminder in the technician's office really brought it home.  I also came to realize just how hard of a time I still have admitting when I need help, asking for it and accepting it when offered.  I think that there is still a part of me that doesn't want to be a burden, who doesn't want to admit that I am not always strong and that has a hard time allowing others to take care of me.  Despite the fact that I will be sporting glasses to help my distance vision, I feel like my up-close vision has been greatly improved by going through this exercise. 

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