Permission to Feel

 Lately I've been riding a wave of feelings.  I am knee-deep in marathon training for a couple of spring races and although I knew that the physical training would bring sensations with it, I didn't expect the depth of feelings that it would stir up.  This is not my first time training for a big race but it is my first time using the training program that I have decided upon.  This was a decision I came to after suffering through a couple of races last year and realizing that I was training myself to have these uncomfortable experiences, so something needed to change.  This new program feels much different; some weeks feel comfortable and I almost forget the end goal that I'm working towards.  Other weeks are less so - higher volume runs and also new training protocols that I have never tried before.  And with those weeks come the feels.  All the feels - fear, uncertainty, doubt, curiosity, and eventually surprise and happiness as I check another workout off of the list.  

What I am finding is that I have been trying to control the feelings that are popping up.  Trying to hold them down or push them aside, for fear of them overtaking my momentum.  What if I actually allowed my fear to have room to swirl around a bit?  Would I consider backing out or quitting?  If I feel fear does that mean I am weak?  And so it goes.  The energy spent attempting to contain these thoughts is quite draining, as I have discovered.  It is like trying to hold a beach ball under water - you have to continually push it down or it will merrily pop right back up.  

This morning I tried something new.  I decided to give myself permission to feel.  To allow all of these thoughts and feelings a chance to come forward, spend some time and say what they needed to say.  As each emotion and feeling took a turn, I thought about what was coming up and provided responses.  For the fear about new training routines that I am unfamiliar with, I reminded myself that of course I feel uncertain or scared of these - they are new and outside of the comfort zone that I have built around running.  I also reminded myself of how my comfort zone training had served me and how uncomfortable that had been.  I thought of times where I've been scared of trying something new and the outcomes of those experiences.

Giving myself this permission and really examining what is coming up feels like a good first step in gaining back some control of an area that often feels so far out of control.  Feelings are feelings - they aren't good or bad, they just are.  Opening up and allowing them to flow feels new and a bit strange and also quite freeing, and like a good first step towards an outcome that I am unsure of. 

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