This is Me

Walking to the subway after the Pride and Remembrance run this weekend, I felt a surge of warmth and recognition.  This is me.  I am home.  I almost started to cry.  What I realized in that moment was more than a knowing of who I am, it was a peace with what I am discovering.

Last year I was in a different space as Pride approached.  It was my first "out" Pride and I was still adjusting to the idea of folks knowing that I was queer.  And yes, I had come out to friends and family and was accepted with love and open arms.  It was being seen as gay by people I didn't know that was throwing me off a bit.  Worrying about what that could mean for me as far as my career, my safety, and how I would be accepted (or not accepted) in the world.  I recognize that as a white woman who has a stable job and home, I am in a privileged position, to begin with, so some of these worries may appear to be trivial.  What I have also come to recognize is how deeply ingrained prejudice and preconceived notions are and how these can rear their ugly head when you no longer identify with what is a generally accepted societal norm.  

Believe it or not, watching The Great Canadian Baking Show last winter helped me on my path to self-acceptance.  I was introduced to this series by my girlfriend and quickly became a fan, watching all of the seasons in short order (and if you have not watched it yourself I highly suggest you look it up).  While I loved the baking and creativity showcased each week, I also loved the fact that there was always LGTBQ+ representation in each season.  Representation like that is incredibly meaningful.  And these contestants were not highlighted or treated any differently because of their identities, they were simply there as bakers hoping to take home the grand prize.  It was during Season Six, episode three when I received a lesson in self-acceptance.  Kaitlin was working away on her signature bake "The Best Queer Bars in Town" when she was asked about her alcohol-themed creation.  Without pause, she looked squarely at the camera and said "I love amaretto sours, and I am really gay" and then went back to creating the marzipan pride flags that would adorn her dessert.  While she returned to the task at hand time stood still for me.  I wasn't sure if it was what she had said or how she had said it.  Either way, my world was rocked.  There was no pause, no awkward avoidance of gaze, and also no sense of challenge in her tone.  What she said was completely matter-of-fact, and the show moved on.  Would I ever be able to feel so absolutely at ease with who I am?

Time has a funny way of giving us the space we need to come into ourselves if we let it happen.  Since that moment, I have been on a slow journey to uncover and embrace the many parts of myself that make me who I am as a whole.  I have needed this time to pull apart some of the threads and unravel a few ideas that I have held onto for much too long.  I have needed to see these individual pieces on their own, and then with this clearer vision, I have been able to start arranging and assembling them into a beautiful tapestry that continues to grow and evolve.  The overall picture I have now is definitely not anything close to what I had held onto for so long and I can say with honesty that I could not be happier with how my life is coming together.  

It was that sense of pride I felt this morning as I realized and embraced the idea of who I am now, who I am becoming, and the excitement and wonder of where this will all lead in the future.  I hope that my words may help someone else who is facing uncertainty in their life come to a similar place of exploration and acceptance.  Learning to love our whole selves is not easy work and is often something that we bypass because of the dis-ease that this reflection can bring with it.  Go gently and with love for yourself, give yourself the time and space you need, and don't feel pressure to "get it right" or make huge discoveries at all.  Any time spent focused on you is a gift that you will reap the rewards from when you least expect it. 

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