Feeling Content With Discontentment

 If I were to ask you to define discontent, what words or feelings would come to mind?  I find this one of the harder feelings to really nail down as far as what it is or how it feels.  I guess I would say that there is a nagging sense of something not being quite the way I wished it to be, or want it to be.  A sense of disillusionment with the way things are or where I am in an aspect of my life.  Perhaps an uneasy feeling in my stomach and low-grade stress.  Generally, feeling discontented leaves me feeling anxious and in need of a solution to whatever the problem or trigger is that has caused these sensations to rise up.  

Often when I have felt discontentment, I have used that as a catalyst to make a change in my life and nine times out of ten the change has been what was needed and I am glad that I went through the exercise.  Lately though, I have started to wonder if maybe sitting in discontentment might be what is really needed.

Let me explain.  When I look at my life and examine where I am, who I have surrounding me and the potential that lies ahead, I feel fulfilled.  I am happy and excited to see what the future holds.  That being said, I would be lying if I said that I am not experiencing some discontentment in certain areas as well.  I think that this is all part of having our human experience on this planet, we feel ups and downs and often at the same time.  For many years I felt like I wasn't allowed to express these feelings of discontent, as there are many others who are experiencing much harder times and are in situations in their lives that I couldn't even begin to imagine.  Who am I in my precious little life to be sharing that things might not all be hunky-dory at the present moment?  This self-shaming mentality has led to me to make rash decisions, often acting without really thinking things through, in order to alleviate the discomfort I am feeling and to move back to a state of perceived equilibrium - back to a more settled and comfortable seat.  Over the past few years I have worked really hard to identify those "ping pong" moments in my life and to slow down my thoughts and actions and take time to really think through scenarios and THEN to make decisions based on facts instead of pure emotion.  Yup, this is all of that nasty "sitting in the grey-zone" work that seems to be never-ending and constantly in process.

It occurred to me recently that the feelings of discontent I am experiencing now might actually be worthwhile holding onto for just a bit longer.  Perhaps there can be some power in this place that I try so hard to avoid.  What I am playing with is the idea that maybe embracing discontent can help me to gain more clarity on what feeling content would actually mean, what it would look like and how it would feel.  Instead of aiming for feeling anything other than what I am feeling now, really taking time to examine and determine what it is that I want and need.  Instead of searching for a quick fix or temporary solution, create and build a next step, or steps, that will result in a meaningful move past this place of feeling stuck.  Maybe even finding out that what I think I need is not actually what is really needed.

Of course, all of this means that I need to get nice and comfy sitting in the muck of the unknown...the fertile void, so to speak.  And although part of me recognizes the need to do this, there is certainly another part of me who is tired of getting covered in muck and would rather walk around the puddle than plopping myself down square in the middle of it.  I have no idea what will come of this experiment, and am hopeful that these moments of unknowing will open themselves up to greater moments of clarity and awareness.  For now I will settle in and wrap my arms around my discontentment and see what comes next.