Practicing Kindness

There are so many lessons in life that seem to be on repeat.  Whether it is because I didn't listen the first time, didn't absorb the learning, or simply need to walk through them again, they just seem to pop up over and over.  Moving from a place of frustration at the repetition to becoming curious about what it is I need to learn again has helped me to be open to these second chances.

This week's "update" is about practicing kindness, in particular self-kindness.  I tend to be someone who has a lot on the go, most of the time.  I enjoy trying new things, taking on new challenges and setting new goals for myself.  This fall I will be working towards a big and important goal that I have had on my radar for some time now, and am excited (and a bit nervous, if I'm honest) about the work ahead.  I mentioned this to my therapist on a call and she asked if I was still taking university courses on my journey towards my BA.  I said yes and she casually commented "wow, so you have a lot on the go right now".  I agreed, and our conversation moved on, but I found my mind holding onto that comment.  She was genuinely surprised to hear what was on my plate while I had just normalized the fact that my plate was potentially overloaded.

As the day went on and my mind continued to mull over our talk, I started to wonder about my upcoming schedule, my goal new goal, and what I really wanted to see happen.  It dawned on me, maybe I need to re-evaluate what I am committing to and see if I can give myself some wiggle room to allow the work I am taking on to have the space it needs.  Fortunately I was sitting when I came to that realization, else I might have fallen over.  And sure, I could probably look back over past blogs I've posted and find another entry where I made the same comment.  For some reason though, it seemed much more relevant in that moment.  The idea of allowing myself to push pause on one or two things while I promote others to the forefront is a very new idea for me.  My Virgo brain tends to line up all goals and responsibilities with the same level of importance and therefore there is NO adjustment room available.  To not pursue each and every item on my list with the same vigor or discipline is not something I have ever entertained.  It feels uncomfortable to relax expectations even if it is with an intention of focusing on one or two important things.  

Ironically, this is exactly the type of work I do for my day job.  Helping others to look at their laundry list of goals and narrow them down to the one or two most important, focus on checking them off the list and then coming back to the others to see what is next.  How humbling to notice the fact that I am not practicing what I preach!  I also heard faint sounds of negative self-judgment coming forward, criticizing my seeming inability to handle things and weakness in needing to only focus on one or two things at a time.  I guess that I have been priding myself on doing it all and accepting the fact that I maybe no longer want to do it all, all of the time felt like an admission of weakness or ineptitude.

Sigh.  Old habits are sure hard to break.  Swallowing my pride I have decided to experiment and push pause on a couple of things while I focus on others.  Although it was a bit of a bitter taste at first, I feel a sense of relief knowing that I can put my full effort towards these other initiatives and see them through to the end without tons of distraction.  Learning that kindness is not weakness, and pushing pause doesn't mean giving up - two more lessons to add to the list and to hold on to as I continue down the path.