Why is Adding an "er" so Hard?

 When I first started to run, I would never call myself a runner.  I was simply someone who liked to get up early, and run.  The first time someone called me a runner, I flinched.  Hearing that added "er" at the end of run somehow made it seem more serious, like I suddenly had responsibility to BE a runner.  

A similar experience took place recently when I was referred to as a writer.  Again, a bit of a flinch as I heard that "er" added to the end of write.  Sure, I am someone who likes to write, and who is going to be focusing more on writing, and who is planning on continuing to bring her words into the world.  But a writer...eeek...writers are folks whose books I read, and whose ideas and creativity inspire me.  How in the world could I be considered to be in that same club?

It's funny how going from the idea of doing something to being something caused such a reaction in me.  How quickly the imposter syndrome roared to the front of my mind and took hold of the seeds of uncertainty and doubt.  Before I knew it, the only stories I was writing were the ones of self sabotage and criticism.  Why is it, I wonder, so hard to add that "er" to something that we do and love?

For me, it seems to centre on fear, and fear of failure especially.  If I actually decide to be so bold as to take the identity of someone who does something, and then am unable to do that very thing what does it say about me?  Part of me knows, and deeply believes, that small setbacks are what ultimately fuel our growth and development.  Another part of me flinches at the idea of not living up to expectations and the perceived expectations that I believe others hold for me.  So those two little letters carry quite a bit of weight with them.  

I suppose there are two solutions for this issue - the first one and seemingly easiest to implement would be to not take on the label of a doer at all.  Simply enjoy whatever it is that we focus our time and energy on without tying any type of deeper meaning to it.  Although that would help to lessen the weight at times, I feel like it would also lessen our connection to the activity itself.  It would become just another hobby or distraction in our busy lives.  I think that the real solution, and one that might require more work (no surprise there) would be to address the underlying and related feelings around our abilities and what being "successful" in our pursuits really means to US.  I know that when I strip away my ideas of what others might think, I start to feel much lighter and better able to enjoy the ups and downs that come with diving deeply into something I love.  I am a harsh enough critic without needing to add on the invisible and often inaccurate judgement that I assume others have of me.  And that raises another very important part of this work - being a harsh critic of our own work.  I think that it is time to put down the red pen and to stop marking up our papers so thoroughly.  I think that it is time to soften our gaze and widen the scope to take in all of the work that is going on and to celebrate even the smallest wins.  If you are a runner and managed to get out the door for half of the planned run today - amazing work because you could have just as easily blown off the workout all together.  If you are a writer and only managed to get 1,000 words on the paper instead of the 4,000 planned - great start.  Putting pen to paper is not easy and sitting with a blank page in front of you is daunting to say the least.  

No matter what it is that lights you up and makes you feel alive, putting an "er" on the end of it and assuming that persona or identity is not restricted to those who we celebrate as professionals.  We can all allow ourselves to become the doers that we dream of, the lovers of ourselves that we long for and the supporters of our triumphs and set backs that we require.  

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