The Gift of Being Present

I know that I am not alone in the last-minute holiday frenzy that takes over as we near Christmas morning.  I remember it all too well when the boys were younger - the sense of accomplishment that I would feel by beating the clock and managing to get those last minute items on Christmas Eve, before the stores shut their doors.  And although managing to cross off those last items on my to-do list felt great, what felt even better was the sense of peace that came with the knowledge that no matter what, I could literally do no more.  Once the stores had closed, that was that.  Unless there was something that I was going to pick up at a gas station or corner store left to do, I was basically done.

As the kids have gotten older, and my need to be out shopping for them has decreased, I still find the same sense of ease washes over me on Christmas Eve as everyone winds down for a couple of days to spend time with friends and family for the holidays.  The sense of the world slowing a touch sinks in and I feel the ability to also slow my pace and invite ease into my days.  

This year, however, I noticed a difference.  Over the past couple of days I have found myself feeling a need to be busy.  I have been squeezing in errands and activities and pretty much going non-stop.  I know that this is not unusual for the time of year, but I also wondered why I was feeling this sense of urgency around staying busy.  In past years, I have fallen into this same pattern when I am trying to avoid noticing uncomfortable things in my life.  Staying busy for me is the ultimate way to numb or ignore, while feeling proud of all that I am accomplishing.  I feel a rush when I can look back at my day and see a fully completed to-do list laying on the counter.  Whatever it was, or is, that I am trying to avoid will still be there tomorrow, so why the need to focus on it today, I ask myself. 

Problem is that this can only go on for so long, and then the ability to vibrate at that frequency comes to a resounding halt.  Exhaustion kicks in and forces the pace to slow right down.  And I know all this all too well, and yet here I am finding myself flirting with this once again.  Sigh.  The work is never done I suppose.  

I confess or share this because I feel that I am likely not the only one who may be experiencing this right now.  While I am not sure what it is exactly that I am trying to avoid through activity, I do know that what I need is the gift of presence.  Literally an empty box under the tree filled with time and space for me to sit with.  Whether it be five minutes or five hours does not matter.  What does matter is the intention of slowing my pace and allowing the thoughts and emotions to pass through that need to stop by.  The holidays are often an emotionally-charged time of year, filled with memories that conjure up feelings from the past that we may or may not want to acknowledge.  And that is okay.  Giving them all some room to move around and then letting them move on is what counts.  And this is what I am going to be giving myself this year.