It's Bigger Than Me

Looking back over my life, I can't help but notice how much time and energy I have spent attempting to make myself smaller.  The pursuit of taking up less space, both physically and energetically, has been something I have preoccupied myself with on and off over the years to many different outcomes.  

Either through the pursuit of relentless activity and strict eating protocols, always with one eye on the mirror or the readout of a scale, or through holding my thoughts and feelings in, never feeling like I could fully exhale and allow them space to breathe and grow.   Interestingly enough, despite both paths being destructive in their own ways, each found praise in one form or another which ultimately fuelled the unrelenting desire to meet some unrealistic goal of fitting a desired image or outcome.

Thankfully, these restrictive and constrictive tendencies have slowly but surely eased over the years.  Perhaps giving way to a newfound understanding and acceptance of being able to simply be, despite pressure otherwise.  I still may find myself longing to be something or someone else but can allow those impulses to flow through me instead of clinging and gaining a foothold in my psyche.

Recent forays to the lake for early morning cold dips have brought a new perspective on size and space to my world.  Standing in the early morning light, watching the sun start its journey into the sky while waves toss and pull at my body, I can only marvel at how big it all is.  How vast and wild the world is, and how terribly small I am in the midst of it all.  It is interesting now, after having spent so much time trying to be smaller, that I can look beyond myself to see just how tiny I am, and we all are.

Seeing ourselves in this way, as tiny players in the world at large, has helped me to start seeing choices and decisions in an easier light.  It takes away some of the need to be right all of the time, and allows there to be more room to experiment and accept that getting things wrong the first time is often the key to unlock the right answer later on.  I like the feeling of humbleness that has come with this learning, and the ability to allow myself to feel less important in the grand scheme of things.  Important in my own life and the lives of those around me, but not so important that I cannot fumble and bumble a bit on my way forward in life.  Taking away that fear of failure and need to be perfect and to get it all right the first time is freeing, and feels like a way of capturing the energy behind the lake's early morning ebb and flow.