Wrestling

 No, I have not discovered a new pastime or hobby, instead, I have been finding myself engaging in some mental wrestling recently.  The source of this reflection is centred on the season that I find myself in lately.  A space focused on changes and transformation, some of which I have put into motion, and some of which have taken place outside of my control.

Stepping away from a long-standing career that had defined my life and how I had been showing up in the world, I began to feel a shift taking place.  Questions started to surface causing me to not only wonder about who I am now, but who I am becoming.  At the same time this self-induced internal deep dive was taking place, I was also beginning to experience physical changes that felt out of control and frustrating.  It felt like a lot was suddenly taking place all at once, forcing me to look in the mirror and accept that whether I liked it or not, change was knocking at my door.  

There are stories that we are given by others to bear, and there are stories that we fabricate for ourselves.  Some of these are clearly inaccurate and created to hold us back, and some are created as a response to help us navigate the world and feel like we fit in somewhere.  Regardless of the origin, there comes a time when we need to evaluate the narratives in our heads and hearts and purge what is truly no longer serving us (or perhaps has never served us).  This is where I found myself - sitting in the director's chair reviewing old film reels looking at frame after frame and making decisions on what to edit and what to keep.  

So where does the wrestling part come in?  The more time I spent thinking about who I think I am, versus who I really am, I found myself having a hard time letting go of the old versions of myself that I had become so accustomed to.  Shedding skin is not easy.  Regardless of the pain, sometimes there is comfort in the known and the fear of walking away from years-old beliefs is real.  Grappling with the realization that I am moving into a new part of my life, complete with physical, emotional, and spiritual changes was not easy to do.  What did these changes mean in the context of the person I have been for all these years?  Was that all a lie?  Was I showing up unauthentically all this time and faking my way through life?  And considering that life does not come with an instruction manual, how in the heck am I supposed to move forward when everything feels so new and tender?

As you can see, I have lots of questions and not many answers.  At least not right now.  For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that not knowing actually feels okay.  This in itself is a huge pivot for me, who finds long-term planning as comforting as a warm blanket on a cold morning.  What has helped me with this wrestling match is patience, and trust that the person I am discovering has always been here, she was just hidden under many layers of expectations and beliefs that felt right at the time.  It is not a matter of one version being real and the other fake, it is the reality that some butterflies need more time in their chrysalis than others and no two metamorphoses are alike.  

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