Plot Twists

 I, for one, deeply enjoy when a story or movie takes a turn that I did not expect.  There is a sense of exhilaration and intrigue and wonder at what will happen next.  What I find interesting is how much I do not enjoy those same feelings regarding my everyday life.  

Looking back over the years, I can attribute staying in situations that did not serve me far longer than required to that disquieting sense of not knowing what would happen next.  Plot twist - no thank you.  I would rather stagnate in the known than venture into a space where leaning into trust was the only way through.  And stagnate I did, often.  

The funny thing about staying put in those moments was the gnawing sense of knowing I was not where I needed to be.  Despite that awareness, I couldn't see my way to taking a few uncertain steps in a new direction and bringing forward my own plot twist.  While I would lose interest in a book or show that never varied from its starting point, I was quite comfortable having that same lack of diversity in my life. 

While it may seem like my life has been filled with twists and turns, these have come with a LOT of consideration and rumination.  Too much of both.  The years I spent trying to figure out every step I would take to get from where I was to where I thought I wanted to be are numerous.  I often joked that my "Five Year Plan" was ten years in the making, and I was not far from wrong.  

Looking back I realize that I was trying to put all the puzzle pieces together to construct a fail-proof plan to move me forward.  Despite my belief in the Universe bringing us what we need, when we need it, and being brought to where we are meant to be when we are ready, I couldn't lean into it.  I could not let go of control and instead allowed fear and uncertainty to drive the bus while I sat in the back and hoped I would see a stop that looked like mine.  

I am not sure what happened to change this narrative.  Perhaps it is wisdom that comes with age.  Perhaps it is finally believing that my well-being is worth more than keeping up appearances.  What I am sure about is the feeling of freedom that comes with letting go.  The liberation that exists within the paradox of feeling fear and certainty at the same time.  For the first time in my life, I have no clear idea of where this story is headed.  And I am in no rush to flip ahead to see how things turn out.