Using Weakness to Build Strength

Weight training is an interesting pursuit.  It requires us to push our limits both physically and mentally to extend past these limitations.  It also requires us to recognize and acknowledge our areas of weakness as focal points for growth over time.  Quite a humbling and unnerving practice -- appreciating that no matter how strong we may feel overall, there inevitably will be times and places in our bodies where we lack the strength we thought (or wished) we had.  I believe this is why I am so drawn to this sport.

There is something about the sense of uncertainty as you push for that one last lift or rep when you have no idea if you will even get close, and knowing that even a partial completion lays the foundation for your next set or workout.  This same principle holds in other areas of life as well.  Thinking about moments when you make that one hard choice or decision, and maybe are partially successful at holding a boundary or exercising your honest desires.  The simple act of stretching towards something that you didn't think you could do sets you up for the next time feeling less intimidating.

Today I celebrate four years of sobriety, and I have been reflecting on how making this hard choice and sticking with it has allowed me to uncover areas of weakness and to use those to build strength.  Admitting to myself that my relationship with alcohol was not a healthy one, and that although I had not encountered any significant negative outcomes from drinking, it was also something that I could feel was not serving me.  Ironically, once I made the choice and stopped drinking I discovered quite by accident that I had early-onset fatty liver disease...further evidence of my decision being a timely one.  

Not drinking has shone a spotlight on an area of weakness that I didn't realize I possessed - social awkwardness bordering on anxiety.  Without the crutch of a drink and shared experience around alcohol, would I still be able to show up in social spaces and not feel like I was an outcast?  Or worse yet, would people actually want to spend time with "sober Kerri"?  Would I be able to carry on conversations that were interesting?  Would I be funny?  Would people make assumptions when they discovered I no longer drank that would lead them to uninvite me to events?  There was really only one way to find the answers to these looming questions - apply the same principles of weight lifting and push myself into showing up in social situations to see what happened.

What I discovered was that my seeming weakness of not drinking and fitting in with the status quo was less of a detractor and more of a liberation.  Without alcohol holding me back or causing me to fulfill a tired persona of party girl or one of the guys, I could simply be myself.  Daunting at first, to be sure, but slowly less so.  I moved from being nervous about showing up sober to being proud to do so.  Knowing the statistics, I was quite sure that in any social circle I entered I would not be the only one who had walked away from alcohol.  And more often than not, I was right. 

Over time, owning my decision and sharing my true self took less and less effort until it stopped being something I even really considered at all.  Those hard reps that felt so uncertain and at time incomplete had paid off.  Sticking to the program when it felt hard and daunting allowed me to lay the foundation I needed in order to gain the strength I feel I now possess in many areas of my life.  I could not be more proud of this milestone and more grateful for the many people in my life who have supported me as I did the work.