If You Never Try, You'll Never Know

From the outside, it may look like I enjoy taking risks and trying new things.  This is somewhat true.  While I enjoy trying new things and expanding my life through new experiences, I feel like many of the risks I take are quite calculated.  I often spend time (over) analyzing possible outcomes and attempting to mitigate as much downside as possible.  Of course, these exercises in risk prevention are done quietly and happen without me even needing to put much thought into the matter.  Fear of failure or disappointment grabs the steering wheel and keeps me within my comfort zone.  While I appreciate the fact that this is done out of care or concern and in an attempt to protect me from feeling pain or discomfort, it also is self-limiting and causes a different type of dis-ease.  It leads to a sense of unfulfilled potential and questions of "what if?"

So yesterday I decided to push those edges of comfort a bit.  As I prepared to run the TCS Half Marathon, I decided that instead of trying to run predictable and safe paces, I would try something new.  I would stop trying to control my body and would let my body be my guide.  I would relax and trust that my body would know what to do, and that the many hours of running, the focused strength training, and the healthy eating plan I have been following would all contribute to a positive outcome.  In pushing my edges like this I also needed to accept that my hypothesis could be proven wrong, and I could end up on the wrong side of this experiment, hobbling myself across the finish line.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and no insights to carry forward.

The fear of failure was palpable as I mulled this over in the days leading up to the race.  No one wants to be that person that others are passing and feeling sorry for.  No one wants to DNF (did not finish) a race they signed up for.  No one wants to come short of a goal or target.  But if you never try and push to see where your limits are, how will you ever set new targets and baselines?  I decided that the pain of staying the same and feeling like I was not making progress was more uncomfortable than the potential pain of discovering where my limits were.

The most interesting part of this experiment was the disconnect I discovered between my body and my mind.  As it turned out, my body was quite ready for the challenge and settled into a pace that I would never have expected, or would not have "planned" on running.  When the numbers on my watch made my inner dialogue start to kick in, I knew I needed to focus more on that side of the equation.  My legs were doing what they needed to do, and the last thing I wanted was my brain to derail them.  This is where all of the time spent on a meditation cushion and yoga mat really kicked in.  I was able to reassure my inner protector that my breathing was calm, my body was not in any pain, and that despite it feeling difficult at times, it was so difficult that I needed to slow down or ease off.  

As I pushed into the final stretch I definitely felt the work of the morning catching up with me, but not in a scary way.  It felt like it should feel at that point in the race, and again I had a short chat with myself to give the all-clear on continuing to push.  Crossing that finish line felt incredible, and different than with previous races for one big reason.  For the first time, I felt like I actually showed up and raced, and that I AM a runner!  The most important lesson that I took from the day was the importance of letting go and believing in the process and the journey.  We are all on a path and are all doing work, but if we never give ourselves credit for showing up and putting in the effort, how can we ever really see what we are capable of?