Facing Fear With Strength

 Box jumps?!?  Did he just say we are doing box jumps???  It was the end of Friday's workout, a beta test of new programming dropping in a few weeks.  My workout partner and I were the only two in our time slot and were running through exercises that, while not new, were being presented in a new format.  Box jumps, however, were not something that I had on my radar at all.  

Let me back up to explain why this basic move had me shook - I am scared of jumping.  Throughout my life I have avoided the need to jump in most activities I pursue (aside from skipping rope as a kid, which I don't feel qualifies).  Anytime a workout included plyometrics, I bowed out.  The reason behind this fear is basic self-preservation, and perhaps a bit of humiliation suffered during high jump in grade eight when I landed on an already well-worn bamboo pole, causing it to make a cracking noise which my jerk of a gym teacher put down to me breaking the pole.  Cue body image issues - STAT!

Back to box jumps.  I have tried something similar in a gym routine once.  I was required to stand at the end of a bench, legs on one side, hands planted on the bench and all I needed to do was keep my hands steady while I jumped my legs side to side over the bench.  I think I psyched myself up to try one and when I felt the bench skim my leg I decided that I would find other exercises to fill that spot in my routine.  Today I was not going to have the same escape route available.

I did something I don't usually do - I admitted I was scared to jump.  I said it out loud before I could even stop myself.  So my coach said he could lower the platform I would be jumping onto and then had us each try one.  My partner went first and nailed the higher-level jump, then the platform was lowered and it was my turn.  I noticed my partner make a subtle move toward the box, which I thought was quite kind and brave of him - kind because he didn't make a big deal about my potentially needing rescuing and brave because who knew how this was going to go.  As I prepared to jump I tried to put all thoughts of failure and embarrassment out of my head and went for it - I landed on the platform, a bit close to the edge for my liking, but landed it nonetheless.  So we were good to proceed...yikes.

We only needed to go through the superset of box jumps and pushups three times and let me tell you, I have never been so happy to do pushups in my life.  The seconds flew and suddenly there I was preparing for my first real set of jumps.  Only five to complete I told myself, as the buzzer rang and I began to go.  Each time I heard my feet thud onto the box top I released a sigh of relief.  I also noticed that my footing was closer to the centre and my apprehension between jumps was slightly diminished.  Then it was back to the comfort zone of pushups to regroup and prepare to go again.  The second time through I started to look up and away from where I wanted to land toward the wall at the opposite end of the gym.  I know all too well from cycling that your body goes where your eyes lead you, and I thought that if I looked up higher it might help me gain some altitude.  It did.  My feet were starting to land a bit less heavily in the centre of the platform.  Back to pushups and the excitement that comes with knowing you only have one set left of hard work.  The third time around I felt less scared and with that could feel my body easing into the movement.  I took some cues from my coach and according to him I was clearing the height of the higher platform.  Maybe next time.  

As I left the gym I felt something that I haven't felt in a while, a real sense of accomplishment.  While I have been working out diligently for a few months now and have noticed gains in strength and endurance, I have yet to face a workout where I had to actually work through fear.  Even on a heavy lifting day I didn't feel as scared as I did by the idea of jumping onto that platform.  I sent my coach a note afterward thanking him for the nudge and for showing me that I can be afraid and strong at the same time.  Something that I will hold onto as I continue to explore where my life is taking me.  Not having a clear plan is something that I am still working on being comfortable with  - there are definitely moments of fear when I wonder if I have made mistakes and worry about where I am going to end up.  Today showed me that even in moments when I am not feeling sure I can embrace strength to carry me through to the next place of ease.