Unbecoming

 This week, I was introduced to a quote by Paulo Coelho that really stuck with me. He writes, "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."

I have felt this unbecoming over the past few months; a slow unraveling of old beliefs, narratives, and ways of being that have been slowly replaced by a sense of homecoming.  It has felt like I've stumbled across an old trail of breadcrumbs left to guide me back to myself.  There is a sense of knowing and familiarity along with wonder and peace - could this place I find myself be where I have always meant to end up?

This is not to say that I have solved some great riddle of life or that I am certain of where I'm headed.  What has changed in the background is the feeling that I am playing a part or am simply going along with someone else's script and doing what is expected of me, because it has always been expected of me.  All too often I have been willing to put myself and my needs second to what others have needed.  It has felt too selfish to do otherwise.  There has also been a hope or wish that someone would recognize and fulfill my desires, without needing to voice them out loud. 

Along with rejecting a bit part in my own life, I have started to grow into an acceptance of who I am at my core.  I no longer feel ashamed or afraid of living in a way that feels authentic, even if that means not everyone will understand or agree with my choices.  For too long I have done my best to maintain harmony and reduce friction, often meaning that my voice has needed to be quiet and my actions subdued.  Instead of feeling remorse or regret for things I have not said or done, I will use these insights as lessons and encouragement to not be afraid of living authentically and unapologetically.

I am excited for the year ahead and for the continued unbecoming that will be taking place.  It feels good to feel good in your skin and to not be afraid to accept and love the person you are.  Especially when it feels like a long time since you locked eyes with yourself and felt a surge of love reflected back.

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