The Power of Raising Your Hand

 I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened or what specifically led to it taking place.  All I do know is that sometime in middle school, I went from being someone who felt confident raising her hand in class to ask and answer questions, to someone who would sit on her hands and do the complete opposite.  Even if I knew the answer, or needed to know something to clear up confusion I had about a topic we were learning, I much preferred to stay silent and under the radar, and away from teasing about being a "teacher's pet" or potential ridicule for what I didn't know or answered incorrectly.  

This mindset of needing to take up less space and figure things out on my own is something that I have carried with me since then.  Never wanting to overstep imaginary boundaries I placed on myself regarding the amount of space I should take up, or admitting to needing help.  Instead, I stayed quiet, small, and determined to make my own way forward.  The grind felt good sometimes -- without pain, where is the gain?  Knowing that I reached goals on my own, unassisted, felt rewarding in the moment, but that feeling quickly subsided as the next set of targets loomed ahead, and once again, I prepared to hunker down and dig into the tasks ahead.

It has only been in the last month or so that I have come to realize the power and freedom that comes with simply raising your hand to ask for, or to offer help.  I did not come to this realization through inner work that enlightened me; I want to make that clear.  I came to this a-ha the way that we most often do, through the path of pain.  Pain in this case was the feeling of overwhelm I was dealing with as I tried to bend my brain into understanding the statistics course that I am working through this semester.  Stats is a core course for my BA and I had no choice but to finally sign up, take a deeeeep breath, and step into this scary space of math and logic.  

I have not been someone who is at home or very comfortable working with numbers.  Ironic, really, seeing as the bulk of my career was in the field of finance, but there are many software programs and online calculators that take on most of the number work these days, so although I nudged up against numbers, I was able to co-exist and not feel too intimidated.  Then along came stats.  Not only stats, but also coding, as the math required to do the work leans on coding programs to run the formulas.  

My breaking point came a couple of weeks ago, as the logic and timelines started to feel like they weren't on my side - too much to learn and figure out without conceding and asking for help.  Despite knowing I needed the help, I still wasn't fully sure I wanted to ask for it.  I hesitantly joined a prescheduled Zoom call where anyone could join to ask specific questions and hear the questions other classmates had.  I told myself I would just join, keep my camera off, and listen, hoping that someone else might be struggling with the same dilemmas I was.  I was one of six or seven on the call, and as the conversation progressed, several issues and queries were brought forward and solved.  No one had mentioned the ones I noted to find answers to, and the call was nearing completion.  I had no choice.  Turning on my camera, I meekly asked if I could share something I was wondering about.  The floor was mine, and as I asked my questions, I saw others nodding.  I also felt a lightness descend upon me.  I not only discovered the solution to the puzzle I had been struggling with, but I was also thanked by one of the others on the call who had encountered a similar issue. 

Letting go of my preconceived ideas and beliefs around what asking for help might mean allowed me to get the assistance I needed, and instead of making me feel less than, it made me feel equal to.  I realized that I was not alone and also not required or expected to know everything.  In fact, being in a state of not knowing was exactly where we were required to be, as that is where learning takes place.  More importantly, what I ended up learning was how important it is to claim your space and show up where you are, authentically.  Since that call, I have found myself adding these help sessions into my weekly calendar and look forward to having these opportunities to connect with others and ask for help.  Taking in the wisdom of the collective and in my own way, contributing to it, too.