But, Did I Do My Best?

I was first introduced to the book The Four Agreements when I was enrolled in my yoga teacher training course. It is a book of ancient Toltec wisdom, based upon living life aligned with four inner agreements:

- Always be impeccable with your word

- Don't take anything personally

- Don't make assumptions, and 

- Always do your best

The first three agreements always seemed to hold my attention the most, as I found them the most challenging to be consistent about.  Especially not taking things personally and not making assumptions. Number four always seemed like a no-brainer - I mean, who wouldn't try to do their best?

As time has gone on, and I have managed to ingrain these practices into my life, I find myself starting to look at that last one with a bit of a different lens.  My focus has moved from the act of doing my best to questioning what doing my best means to me - how to know, how to judge, and what others' opinions mean in regard to my belief about what my best truly is. 

School has been one area of my life where these questions have been top of mind. Growing up, grades were always the definitive assessment of whether or not I had done my best.  Getting an "A" or better on an assignment or test seemed to signify that I had done my best and could feel satisfied with that effort and result.  I tied a lot of my self-esteem to the ability to achieve these types of grades, and felt a sting when this did not happen. I wish I could say that I have outgrown this thinking over time.  Sadly, this is not the case, and at times I find myself even more hung up on my grades now than I was before. This past semester provided an opportunity to review and potentially rewrite this narrative, though, as I tackled introductory statistics alongside developmental psychology. On paper, odds were stacked against stats - I have never felt very confident or enthusiastic about math, and considering that my background is in Early Childhood Education, I figured that my experience and previous education would ease the load. Not so. As I dug in and put effort toward bending my brain around statistics, I found myself struggling with the psych course. Not struggling in my understanding, but struggling to achieve the grades that I expected would come naturally to me. What I hadn't considered was that although I may feel that I am doing my best on assignments, my TA who was marking them might not. In fact, the subjective nature of many of our assignments left me feeling bewildered at times and wondering why I could not seem to show that I had a good (or even great) grasp of the coursework. 

What brought a fresh perspective to my ruminating was something my stats prof shared in an email she sent out last week ... "I genuinely hope that everyone can take a moment to reflect on the difference between grades and knowledge (because they are NOT the same thing), and the difference between grades and self-worth (because they are also NOT the same thing)."

And as I read those words, a lightbulb went off in my tired mind.  

I realized that a belief in having done our best is an inside job. No external measurement can truly determine whether or not our effort was our best.  External measurements only serve to compare our effort to those of others.  And whether or not our effort matched, fell short of, or exceeded theirs, is all in the eye of the beholder. Deep down, on any given day and in any given scenario, we are the only ones who can truly determine whether or not we gave our best effort.  Even if our best means that we recieve a lower grade than a classmate's or that our marathon time doesn't provide us with the opportunity to run Boston, or that we have fallen short of a goal we set out to accomplish.

 Perhaps the real measurement of our best needs to be based upon a feeling rather than an outcome. The knowledge that no matter what, you know that you showed up as fully and unapologetically as you could, and you feel a deep sense of satisfaction in that knowledge. And maybe that will equate to straight As, and a job promotion, and a marathon entry that you never thought you would attain. And maybe it won't, but what it will do is leave you feeling proud of the effort you put forth.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Solar Return Reflections

 As I embark on a new solar return, I am compelled to reflect on the year that is closing behind me. Exercises like these often have us remembering the big wins or struggles, the notable changes and shifts that have taken place, the happenings that are impossible to ignore. And while all of those items are important to note, savour, and pay attention to, I find myself drawn to the smaller moments in time. The almost imperceptible yet impactful catalysts that are most often responsible for growth.  What I find interesting about those tiny agitators is the amount of pain and discomfort they often create as they push us to respond. Like the grain of sand in our shoe that will cause a blister if we don't stop to remove it, ignoring these pain points only leads to longer-lasting, deeper dis-ease if not attended to. It was during a visit with a dear friend this past week that this point was driven home for me. I was describing to her a feeling of overwhelm I had been dealing with (o...
Read more

Letting Go

 This past weekend, I helped my eldest son as he prepared to take the next big step in his life's adventures.  It felt bittersweet to watch as he packed up the room in his apartment, in anticipation of setting up a new room in a new city in the near future.  I have felt proud of him over the past few months as he has navigated many unknowns and new situations with a sense of certainty and enthusiasm for what lies ahead.  Deep down, I marvelled at his ability to let go, to embrace the new opportunities being presented while letting go of the life he had been establishing over the past couple of years.  Thinking back to when I was his age, I am not sure that I would have had the ability to make these same decisions so easily.  Sure, I have had my fair share of tough choices and have navigated change as I have journeyed through life. Still, I have often felt a sense of dis-ease when it comes to letting go of what is or has been to make room for what might be....
Read more

Cheer Stations

 Yesterday, I ran my fifth full marathon, my first in two years.  The idea felt daunting at first - I hadn't forgotten how all-encompassing the training could feel, spanning sixteen weeks and requiring hundreds of kilomteters to be travelled simply to complete those last 42.2.  And yet, there I was, signing up and taking on the work. Training went well - the weeks seemed to pass more quickly than I expected them to, and despite a slightly cranky hamstring, my body and mind adapted to the workouts and didn't put up roadblocks along the way.  Getting up and getting out for those early morning runs and long weekend runs became routine, and something I looked forward to.  Especially the long runs that had me crossing the city instead of sticking to very well-worn routes from previous training blocks.  Friends started to inquire about the big day, and I noticed that many of them seemed to be more excited about the race than I was.  With it not being my firs...
Read more