Pleasure

 I had many moments of hesitation before writing this post.  Speaking about pleasure is something I am not entirely comfortable with or familiar with.  Pleasure has often felt like something other people can indulge in, but not me.  It has felt like an elusive and sometimes scary word, as it conjures up the idea of losing oneself in sensation and feeling, and for someone who enjoys a sense of control and knowing where things are headed, this all sounds incredibly unsettling.

Having said that, I have also felt left out and incomplete at times, knowing that this area of my life has been unexplored and often simply ignored.  So, how does one begin a pleasure practice, and what would that even look like?

The more I thought about this, and through halting conversations with trusted others, I have come to the conclusion that pleasure is inherently unique and not a one-size-fits-all type of experience.  Are you someone who is thrilled by touch, or is taste or scent more to your liking?  Do you prefer the privacy of solitude, or does being in community fill your cup?  Are you in touch with your body, and do you have the words to even express what feeling good feels like?  

So, where does that leave me regarding a pleasure practice?  At the starting gates, I suppose.  As someone who has had a very combative relationship with her body over the years, learning to soften and embrace its needs and desires has been difficult for me.  This is the step I find myself at these days.  Being open to listening to the very subtle feedback I receive when I ask the question "What do I need to feel good in this moment?" is not easy, because often the answer is the opposite of what I want it to be.  Instead of always being strong, it means sometimes being vulnerable and soft.  Instead of rigour, it means patience and release.  And it almost always means not knowing and needing to trust that the whispers I'm hearing are what need to be listened to instead of the overpowering and forceful voice of reason that tends to bellow and drown out these softer, needier requests. 

Have you ever asked yourself what pleasure would look like for you?  And if you asked the question, what would you do with the answer?  Would you indulge this side of yourself and provide the necessary ingredients to fulfill these desires, or would you put this information into a secret file marked "For another day"?  I have amassed so many of those files in my life that they are becoming hard to ignore. And I have also come to a place where I no longer want to ignore them.  I want to be brave and open them up to really look at what's inside.  I want to listen to my body's desires, and I want to start fulfilling them, slowly and thoughtfully.  This might just be the beginning of a beautiful relationship many years in the making.