Lane Assist

 I traded in my car last winter for a newer model, and with this change, I was introduced to many features that my older car did not offer.  One feature that has caught me off guard a few times is the lane assist.  This is the one where you receive a notification when the car senses you changing lanes without indicating.  It's a handy reminder to stay in your lane, unless you have a reason to move to a new one.  If only we as humans had a similar feature!

I do not think I am alone in wanting to help others who appear to be in need.  This might take the shape of holding space for someone to talk through an issue they are facing, which might lead to sharing a time when I have had a similar experience, which may lead to the offering of advice on what they should do next.  While all of this may sound kind and what friends are for, it can be a slippery slope.  Ann Lamott said it best in her quote, "Help is the sunny side of control".  Often, we mean well in the help and guidance we offer others, when in reality, we are way outside our lanes and moving from the role of helper to that of someone who wants the other person to just do the thing we know is best for them.  

It is so hard to see someone we care about facing a hard time, especially when we feel like we have the solution for their issue.  We don't.  What we have is an idea of how WE would face that same problem, and it is often grounded in our lived experience.  This may serve as a great example or provide an idea for our loved one on how to approach their problem, but our solution may not be theirs.  In fact, what we may be doing is making the situation harder because now, not only do they need to figure out how to move forward with their dilemma, they also need to let us down gently so we don't feel rejected when they don't take our advice. Not kind, not helpful. 

I'm writing this because it is a lesson I am learning myself.  I feel good when I am in a space of being a help to others.  I enjoy having conversations with loved ones and giving them room to explore what is on their mind and heart.  I feel appreciation for those who are comfortable having these conversations with me and feel appreciated by them.  I also often feel the need to provide advice that feels like a tidy solution for the problem at hand.  It feels like this tendency comes from wanting to ease the burden that people I care about are facing, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that really caring about someone means allowing them the autonomy to work through their issues in their own way.  It means deep listening when that is helpful, and sometimes it means quietly sitting together, not sharing thoughts at all.  It means offering advice when asked for, and holding back on that when it's not needed.  

Trusting that people can and will find their own way through an issue is a true act of kindness because it fosters confidence and self-efficacy.  This doesn't mean turning your back on those in need of support or ignoring someone's desire to talk through a tough situation.  What it does mean is staying in your lane while showing compassion and only making a lane change if you are given the indication that this is desired.