Haven't We Been Here Before?

 Ah, the rambling path of life.  Just as we start to move forward, encountering fresh ideas and enjoying new perspectives, we suddenly find ourselves looking out at scenery that is all too familiar.  At least, this has been my experience of life, especially of late.  It's like deja-vu all over again, and again, and again.

Lessons that I thought I had learned, mistakes I vowed to not repeat, all coming back in some shape or form: a reminder that there is wisdom still to be imparted.  Not that I have ever thought I'd gathered all of the knowledge I would need to carry me through the rest of my days, nor that I had nothing left to learn.  It's more the sense of being humbled by the reminders that show how much growing there is still to do.

There are days when these a-ha moments feel new and exciting, until further reflection, when I realize that I have been here before, perhaps under a different context and timeline, but the underlying theme I have uncovered is one I stumbled upon in the not-so-distant past.  And so it goes, that one step forward, two steps back dance that seems to choreograph so much of life's journey.

When I come to these repeats, I sometimes feel silly or embarrassed by the fact that I didn't take the lesson in "properly" when it was first presented, welcoming in shame for my perceived inability to get things right the first time. And there is the lesson that I am being retaught as I type this...learning to let go of justifying my personal timeline.  Looking at my life, I can clearly see a pattern of looking for external approval for the things I consider important or worthy of my time.  This came easily when I worked in my corporate job, as the ongoing striving I was hooked into matched, and often exceeded expectations, therefore justifying how I spent my time and my days.  

The past two and a half years have been much different.  Stepping away from the hamster wheel corporate world is something I am proud of, and I could not imagine stepping back into that life now that I have taken my exit. Despite the inner peace I feel, I have also felt the need to justify what I am doing with my time, now that it does not look like the typical day many others face.  Instead of embracing the gaps I have, I have done the opposite: filled my days with sometimes overwhelming amounts of school and work, replicating that feeling of being pulled in many directions that I experienced throughout my career.  Why would I do this?  So I can feel comfortable answering the question, "What do you do?" without feeling like I am being lazy or irresponsible. 

It's only been during the past six weeks that I have gained the clarity I was missing regarding this life lesson.  After initially signing up for two condensed courses, which would have made it nearly impossible to do much other than schoolwork and maybe sleep a little, I dropped the heavier of the two.  I knew it was the right choice, and yet I felt a pang of guilt at not being able to handle it all.  Fortunately, that passed rather quickly as I dug in and really embraced the one course that remained on my timetable.  I also found time to enjoy activities unrelated to school, like riding my motorcycle, going for random walks, and sometimes just doing nothing in particular.  It felt like being on vacation, and I realized it has been: a vacation from the way I have been living my life for the past year or so.  And instead of the good vibes slowly ebbing away upon my return to "normal life" after being away, I am committed to holding this sense of openness going forward.  I'll still find ways to fill my days, no worries there; the difference is that the filling of days will be more purposeful and will be on my terms, not ones that I am imposing upon myself to avoid eternal judgement.