Unlearning

 "Old habits die hard".  There is so much truth held within those four words.  And while thinking about habits often prompts us to reflect on indulgences in our lives we might be better off walking away from, habits come in all shapes and sizes and encompass actions that are both healthy and unhealthy.

In my life, I have overcome a few of the unhealthy habits we often think about, with smoking being one of the hardest habits for me to break.  Looking back, I remember how much I looked forward to the perceived sense of release I received each time I lit up, how effortlessly it fit into my daily routine, and how big of a hole there was each time I tried to walk away from it. It was that sense of loss that kept me coming back for more, the belief that I was giving up something important in my life when I told myself that I was not going to buy another pack or bum another one off a friend.  In the end, it took having a really bad flu to break the cycle and finally flip the switch that turned off my cravings for good.  When I think back now, from where I stand today, I find it inconceivable that I ever enjoyed smoking or felt at a loss without it in my life.  Ah, the magic of perspective.

Habits aren't just the physical kind, though; they can also encompass ways of being, doing, and thinking.  This realization has been sitting heavily with me for the past few weeks, prompting me to examine the tools I rely on to move forward in life.  I have absolutely subscribed to the "grind at all costs" mentality throughout my life - the harder you work, the better of a person you are, and the more likely you are to achieve your goals.  I feel that this comes naturally to me #firstbornvirgoenergy and has been ingrained throughout my life, both as a younger student and a member of the corporate workforce.  In both cases, it always felt like being the best was the goal, and accomplishing that meant a head-down and don't-let-up attitude, regardless of what was missed along the way.  In high school, I didn't join many groups or committees, and likely missed out on experiences for growth and fun along the way.  In the corporate world, I strove to be "employee of the month" every month, wanting to feel a sense of recognition and appreciation for my abilities.  Sometimes it happened, sometimes it didn't, and neither outcome felt fulfilling.  

Returning to school as a mature student has stirred up the same ambitions as before, but this time I am the one in the driver's seat.  Being virtual and one student in a class of hundreds means that my accomplishments are much less on anyone's radar, aside from my own.  And I have been glued to that screen for the past three years or so now, feeling good when I was doing well and cutting myself down for anything less than "perfection".  Some habits die hard.  

What makes me hopeful for the future is the simple fact that I can even recognize this pattern, and a desire to change it.  Slowly, SLOWLY, but surely, I feel my desire to grind coming to a halt.  Similar to when I was sick before I quit smoking, I realize that I simply cannot maintain my current method of success without negative side effects.  This leaves me with two decisions: live a very narrow sliver of life until I finish school, or open myself up to a fuller life and, with that, be comfortable with the fact that I will be a student for longer than anticipated.  And also, who is paying attention, keeping score, or deducting a mark off my report card for this?  Me, and me alone.  So let the unlearning begin, again, because this is not the first (nor will it be the last) time I have come to this fork in the road, and I know it will take more than simply recalibrating my internal GPS to help me find a new, more scenic route to enjoy.